Utah issues first baby DUI
Salt Lake City, Utah- A crazed baby on fermented breast milk, led Utah Highway Patrol, Bountiful, West Bountiful, Woods Cross, North Salt Lake and Salt Lake Police Departments on a slow speed chase today. West Bountiful Police got a report of a billegerent baby urinating in the sand box at a West Bountiful Park. When […]
Utah Names New DUI Law After Former Utah Highway Patrol Officer ‘Lisa Steed.’
Dirty Steeds, Done Dirt Cheap! Salt Lake City, Utah- Lisa Steed is a former Davis Country Utah Highway Patrol. She was the state’s top revenue making machine. She broke state records for DUI arrest. She was even awarded ‘Trooper Of The Year” for it. But Lisa had a dirty little secret. 99% of her DUI […]
Breaking News: Robbery At Bountiful, Utah Chase Bank
Bountiful, Utah- A Clearfield man entered Chase Bank on 500 South in Bountiful to cash a check for the amount of $50.01. He never expected to be robbed by the bank itself. The clerk made an angry face and said “We’re taking $8.00 to cash that check!” Eight bucks to cash a $50.00 check! We have […]
Utah To Ban High Speed Internet And Revert To Dialup
Photo Source: Rick Bowmer/AP Salt Lake City, Utah- Governor Gary Herbert just set forth legislation to ban all residential high speed internet in the state. Proposing only government agencies would have access to broadband, fiber, or other lightning fast services. Everyone else will have 56k dail up modems This is Herbert’s new strategy to combat […]
Breaking News: Scientists bring back the UtahRaptor
Vernal, Utah- A group of Utah scientists have successfully cracked the genome of the UtahRaptor. The UtahRaptor was originally discovered in a quicksand death trap in Utah. These dinosaurs were 10 times the size of the all other raptors. Weighing in at one ton and standing twice the height of a human. Total length was […]
Valentine’s Day: Special Report
(February 2017 — Salt Lake City, UT) If you’re looking for the sweetest spot to be on this day for lovers, you couldn’t find a better place than Mormon country. A University of Kansas study, released last week, rated Mormon men as the most potent in the country. As part of a survey of several […]
Utah Neighborhood Fireworks Show Breaks A World Record!
Breaking News: Utah breaks a world record for largest fireworks celebration ever! The New Years Eve event could be felt in 5 states and shifted the earths axis off by 1 degree and moved the California coastline 3 feet. This celebration put all Japanese, Chinese and Dubai records to shame. Local Police are still looking […]
Utah Town Burns Copies Of Footloose And Bans Dancing
Lehi, Utah- Local church officials and city goverment met at the local library and began burning vinyl records, picture disc, beta max, 8-Tracks and VHS copies of Footloose. Shaw Moore claims “The music in this movie is just too dark rebellious. I, mean… Almost Paradise could summon demons from the darkest depths of hell.” The […]
Homeless Couple Found Living In Walmart Attic
Magna, Utah – Homeless Couple Found Living In Walmart Attic With Hot Plate, Meth Lab, And 42″ LED TV… “I don’t mean to laugh, but these people really got one over on Walmart,” said Lieut. Marshall Weiss. “In the attic, we recovered 2 pounds of meth they had somehow produced on a hot plate. They […]
Horseback riders bust NASA filming Mars Rover footage in Moab, Utah
Moab, Utah- A group of horseback riders caught a film crew filming Mars Rover footage in the redrock area of the Utah desert. This area is covered in red sandstone and is the perfect place to fake such an event. People recently became skeptical of the NASA missions, after a large rodent was spotted on […]