Utah plans to grow cannabis at the new State Prison

Salt Lake City, Utah- Daw Inc. in partnership with Scrodium Biosciences wants a state run monopoly on CBD and all things cannabis. Now we know why they were so aggressively wanting to move the prison. They need room for more greenhouses. This is nothing more than the State of Utah having it’s cake and eating it too. The war on drugs has put many people behind bars. It’s a big racket and highly profitable to incarcerate people. Utah does not want to lose it’s cash cow but still has ambitions of getting into the cannabis game.

This plan will not be without it’s difficulties.

“The main problem we will be facing is keistering. Only people with less than 6 months to live should be able to try cannabis. I decide who gets to use cannabis. We have blocked 98% of Utah Patients from accessing it. Prisoners aren’t going to use my cannabis, not on my watch!” Said, (Rep) Brad Daw of Orem.

Keistering is the practice of smuggling contraband in an inmate’s anus . This is a huge problem for Daw Inc. because they will be losing huge profits and prisoners will have access to Medical Grade Industrial Hemp. Daw Inc. did figure out a solution though. “Operation Brown Glove” led by UHP (Rep) Lee Perry, will be an aggressive anti-keistering campaign that must be done to every single inmate that is working on the grow operation.

“There’s no other way to do this. We just need to suck it up and do it. Utah has worked very hard to put this framework in place. I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty. I’ll just rub a little vapor rub on my moustache and dig right it.” said, Perry.

Sheriff Terry Thompson felt a bit different about this.
“Cannabis causes erectile dysfunction, it’s the new salt Peter. Giving prisoners access to a bit of cannabis might stop a couple of problems from arising at the prison.” said, Thompson.

We reached out to Senator Evan Vickers, A Utah Pharmacist. He was unavailable to discuss how dangerous medical industrial hemp and how many you would have to inject to overdose. Vickers was the Senate floor sponsor for most of Daw’s bills. He kind of stepped out of the limelight after a call girl tried to trap him in a “HoneyPot.”

Kanye West Joins The Mormon Church

Salt Lake City, Utah- Rapper Kanye West has been hasn’t quite painted a clear picture to eactly what he believes. His early hip hop song ‘Jesus Walks’ had people wondering if he was a Christian Rapper. West has done his share of secular tunes since then.

Kanye has an LDS neighbor that has been trying to get him and wife, Kim Kardashian to attend their local ward. Kim and Kanye were leaning towards Scientolgy like most Hollywood elites.

One night Kim and Kanye had a party to attend and they left their children in care of their neighbors daughter ‘Briezee Tolman.’ When Kayne got home the babysitter was playing a song for the children. It was the Mormon primary classic ‘Jesus wants me for a sunbeam.’ What is that!? That’s tight, yo! I’m like the new Jesus, said Kanye! He borrowed the CD to sample for a new track. West also fell in love with ‘Popcorn popping on the apricot tree.’ West was feeling the Primary Jams so much that he agreed to have the missionaries come over.

Not long after Kayne was ready to join the church and was baptised on March 20th, 2018.

West has never been happier

Kanye attended the 2018 LDS General Conference. Someone interrupted the event, surprisingly it wasn’t Kanye.

Kanye one day plans to be the LDS Church leader. He feels he would make a great church president. He told us that he was Jesus in a past life and he is just what the church needs.

There has been non word if Kim Kardashian will be a Mormon convert or not.

We will bring you more as this story developes.

Irish Setters Protest Mitt Romney At The Utah State Capitol

Salt Lake City, Utah- Thousands of Irish Setters showed up at the State Capitol to voice their opposition of Mitt Romney’s Senate seat ambititions. Utah has already projected that he’ll win buy a landslide. Romney has a lot of support from the LDS community in Utah. It’s inivetable that he will replace Orrin Hatch after he retires.

Here’s an old video I made in 2011 when Mitt was running for president. That was a long time ago, but the dogs have not forgotten.

“Woof, woof, bark, grrrrr, snarl” Said, Lucky – A Bountiful Irish Setter.  This roughly translate to “We have not forgot about Seamus. Mitt strapped the family dog to the top of the car while on holiday. This type of behavior is unacceptable. As a dog community, we do not feel that Mittens represents dogs or people. We stand in solidarity with Seamus. Who does Mr. Romney think he is, Clark W. Griswold?”

Seamus, The Romney Family Dog

 

Although the dogs have kept the protest peaceful, things are starting escalate. Dogs have been peeing on Mitt’s campaign signs. After the freshly fallen snow. Hundereds of dogs have been pooping on Mitt’s lawn.

“It’s like a time released protest. We will not know the extent of the damage until the Spring Thaw. All I know is it smells really bad. I had to rub icy hot on my moustache to curb the smell.” Said, Leaf Sperry of the Utah Highway Patrol.

We will update you on this story as it unfolds.

Polar Bears Return To Strawberry Reservoir In Utah!

Polar Bear in Strawberry Lake

Strawberry, Utah- After an early thaw this year, winter showed up fashionably late. As lake ice was pretty much gone by January. The Utah DWR was less than optimistic about the polar bears ever returning to the reservoir.

Welcome Home, Lil’ Fella!

“We were in trouble! In 2006 komoto dragons were illegally introduced in the area. The polar bears were keeping the population down. Komoto dragons, rattlesnakes, lizards and the Utah brown beaver are the primary diet of polar bears. They are also fond of the raspberry shakes that are popular with the locals. These bears are also know to feed on scorpions and tarantula. These giant lizards were eating all the dolphins and tuna in the lake. We are happy to see the bears back up here “Said, Hyrum Smith of the Utah DWR.

Ice, Ice, Baby!

With winter finally showing up, all of the ice is back and the bears have returned! The anglers have also returned to do some ice fishing. Most of them are trying their luck to catch a tagged dolphin. Fish and Game wants to remind everyone that polar bears are dangerous. If you encounter one on the ice to put your arms in the air and charge the bear. Make a lot of noise and maintain good eye contact. If that does not work… Scream really loud to startle the bears and then run away fast. If it gets a hold of you, give it purple nurples or a wet willy. Bears hate that sh*t. You can also try Salsa or Greek Wedding Dancing the Polar Bears love to dance.

Polar Bear Salsa Dancing

We will bring you more on this story as it develops.

Breaking News: The Tuna Gate Scandal

Salt Lake City, Utah – Donald Trump just recently visited Utah to sign a bill that would greatly reduce the size of Bears Ears and Escalante National Monuments. Trump’s long time friend Senator Orrin Hatch originally asked Trump if he would come to Utah and undo the bill that former President Obama signed, that expanded the size of the national monument. A quick flight on Airforce One and the stroke of a pen and Trump wiped out Obama’s Bill.  He also met with LDS church leaders to discuss Welfare Square.

Trump- Meet The Mormons

There was more to Trumps visit than people know.
The Brine Shrimp received a video of Hatch and Trump discussing this. We also recieved emails communications between the two men. Something seemed fishy.

What the public doesn’t know is that a secret deal went down. Tump originally declined Hatch’s request to come to Utah, Orrin had to bribe him to get him here. What could possibly offer him? He has all the money in the world. Everything is within his reach. That’s where his Mr. Trumps hidden addiction was exploited by Hatch. Donald Trump loves Mormon tuna. He loves it, bigly! And Orrin knows it. You probably noticed Trumps strange behavior when he visited Welfare Square. He started acting weird around the tuna.

Donald Trump chomping down on Mormon Tuna

Hatch promised Donald that he would use his LDS connections to get Mr. Trump approved for church welfare. Once approved he could gain access to The Bishop’s Storehouse, where he could get endless Mormon Tuna.

Trump greatly exceeded the income limit for these services, but Hatch made it happen. He also pulled some strings to get Donald extra tuna on his food order. Trump plans on using tax payer dollars to make secret trips to Utah on Airforce One to pickup his weekly food order.

Hatch returned the favor to The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints by signing over some of the land to the church. Apparently, they believe  a Stargate or a wormhole in the area that will take you to Planet Kolob.

We will bring you more on this story as it unfolds.

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Gary Herbert makes it illegal to deny that popcorn pops on the apricot trees

Salt Lake City, Utah- New legislation just passed making it illegal to deny that popcorn pops on apricot trees. Next spring when the apricot trees are in full bloom. You would be able to call the beautiful flowers “Blossoms” anymore. Well, at least in Utah. You will have to refered the white blossoms as “Popcorn.” Denying it’s popcorn could land you 30 days in jail and result in you paying a huge fine. It will be considered a Class A Misdemeanor to deviate from the teachings of the LDS primary song “Popcorn Popping On The Apricot Tree.”

A bit of history on the origin of this song. “Popcorn Popping On The Apricot Tree” is an old LDS primary song written by Georgia W. Bello in 1924 and was added to the Mormon Children’s Songbook.

Credit: LDS Smile

Mr. Herbert takes these words seriously. So serious that he made denying it against the law.

Lyrics
1. I looked out the window, and what did I see?
Popcorn popping on the apricot tree!
Spring had brought me such a nice surprise,
Blossoms popping right before my eyes.
I could take an armful and make a treat,
A popcorn ball that would smell so sweet.
It wasn’t really so, but it seemed to be
Popcorn popping on the apricot tree.
Words: Georgia W. Bello, b. 1924. © 1957 IRI
Music: Georgia W. Bello, b. 1924; arr. by Betty Lou Cooney, b. 1924. © 1957, 1989 IRI

“Popcorn does pop on the apricot trees, I’ve seen it with my own eyes and it’s ridiculous to say otherwise! This is the most important thing I’ve signed into law. This will be my legacy!” Said, Governor Herbert.

The law goes into effect January of 2018.

Utah to build a wall to keep out Californians

Salt Lake City, Utah- Gary Herbert just approved a bill that would prevent Californians from moving to Utah. He blames California for Utah’s public health crisis, AKA “Porn.”

The wall be constructed at Bangerter Highway blocking all Cali Migrants from making it any further into the valley. There will be check points and anyone from California will have to provide a guest Visa or passport. They will also be asked if they have any porn to declare at the checkpoint.

“There is one designated zone Californians are welcome to live. Daybreak, we can pack em’ in tight there. We’ll stack em’ so high, they’ll be able to see their home state from their balcony.” Said, Herbert.

Herbert, added. “We will not tolerate these folks bringing any kind of porn into our great state either.”

Gary Herbert plans on making California pay for the wall. Governor Jerry Brown says “We’re not going paying for it!”

Anthony Kiedis of The Red Hot Chili Peppers is already writing a crappy 22 song album about the ordeal Entitled: “Leaving California.”
“The entire band is excited to have some new material for songs about California.” Said, Flea- Kiedis’s bassplayer, long time band mate and friend.

Thomas S. Monson of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, Said. The Church has reached out to Governor Herbert and he has agreed to take in California refugees that are members of the LDS faith.

Protesters have already begun to go out and show their opposition to Gary’s wall. The largest one lead by Madonna. Every time she’s not feeling relevant, she crawls outta the woodwork for some publicity.
“Utah keeps on pushing my love over the borderline.” Says Madonna.

Rockstar Bono showed up drunk at the Utah homeless shelter, not even sure what the hell he was protesting. He did a free concert for Utah’s homeless and most of them left.
Rodney Dechamp said “Man, we’re homeless. Being out on the street is bad enough without Bono f**king up our day with his horrible music. He’s just adding insult to injury. He’s an obnoxious drunk, and a pretentious a**hole. He needs to take his punk a** back to where the leprechauns roam. He’s really pissing in me lucky charms.”

The U2 frontman just probably just needed a tax write off so he did a so called “free” concert. Oh, wait! Bono doesn’t pay taxes.

We will keep you posted on this story as it develops. Check back for updates.

Giant Tiger Muskie Eats Man At Pineview Reservoir

Huntsville, Utah- An unidentified man was attacked and swallowed whole by a giant Tiger Muskie. Witnesses claim that the man was on a shiny paddle board that may have acted like a lure.

“The fish just came up out of the water and hit it like a giant fishing lure.” Said, Brexit Tolman, a town local.

Pineview has boasted to having record breaking muskies. This fish definitely trumps them all! Pineview is offering a $20,000 reward to any angler that can reel in this monster fish.

“The lake will be closed to water sports other than fishing. We are really excited about the fishing contest” Said, Richard Dick Richards of the DWR.

We will bring you more on this story as it develops.