Gary Herbert makes it illegal to deny that popcorn pops on the apricot trees

Salt Lake City, Utah- New legislation just passed making it illegal to deny that popcorn pops on apricot trees. Next spring when the apricot trees are in full bloom. You would be able to call the beautiful flowers “Blossoms” anymore. Well, at least in Utah. You will have to refered the white blossoms as “Popcorn.” Denying it’s popcorn could land you 30 days in jail and result in you paying a huge fine. It will be considered a Class A Misdemeanor to deviate from the teachings of the LDS primary song “Popcorn Popping On The Apricot Tree.”

A bit of history on the origin of this song. “Popcorn Popping On The Apricot Tree” is an old LDS primary song written by Georgia W. Bello in 1924 and was added to the Mormon Children’s Songbook.

Credit: LDS Smile

Mr. Herbert takes these words seriously. So serious that he made denying it against the law.

Lyrics
1. I looked out the window, and what did I see?
Popcorn popping on the apricot tree!
Spring had brought me such a nice surprise,
Blossoms popping right before my eyes.
I could take an armful and make a treat,
A popcorn ball that would smell so sweet.
It wasn’t really so, but it seemed to be
Popcorn popping on the apricot tree.
Words: Georgia W. Bello, b. 1924. © 1957 IRI
Music: Georgia W. Bello, b. 1924; arr. by Betty Lou Cooney, b. 1924. © 1957, 1989 IRI

“Popcorn does pop on the apricot trees, I’ve seen it with my own eyes and it’s ridiculous to say otherwise! This is the most important thing I’ve signed into law. This will be my legacy!” Said, Governor Herbert.

The law goes into effect January of 2018.

Giant Tiger Muskie Eats Man At Pineview Reservoir

Huntsville, Utah- An unidentified man was attacked and swallowed whole by a giant Tiger Muskie. Witnesses claim that the man was on a shiny paddle board that may have acted like a lure.

“The fish just came up out of the water and hit it like a giant fishing lure.” Said, Brexit Tolman, a town local.

Pineview has boasted to having record breaking muskies. This fish definitely trumps them all! Pineview is offering a $20,000 reward to any angler that can reel in this monster fish.

“The lake will be closed to water sports other than fishing. We are really excited about the fishing contest” Said, Richard Dick Richards of the DWR.

We will bring you more on this story as it develops.

Save The Jackalopes Of Antelope Island

The Story

Antelope Island, Utah- Our story begins back in the 1800s. In the middle of the Great Salt resides Antelope Island. Wildlife is everywhere! Antelope, birds, waterfowl, bison, bighorn sheep, wading birds, small mammals, reptiles, coyotes, bobcats, jackrabbits, pronghorn, mule deer and several species of rodents. Millions of migrating birds are visiting the island. Chukars, burrowing owls, lo-billed curlews, pelicans, cranes and several birds of prey are all enjoying there stay. All is well on Antelope Island.

David Irons Jr./Flickr

The Most Majestic Creature On The Island

One critter I didn’t bring up is the mighty jackalope. Billions of the horned rabbits  live and thrive on the island. A stud buck jackalope finds his doe mate and has a large family. A baby jackalope suckles on his  mom’s tit. His adolescent brother feeds on the lush green grass.  Jackalope herds run rampant on the island. The jackalope population is exploding.

A Jackalope Family

Mother Rabbit With Young

Fast forward to 1969 and the construction of the island causeway is complete. You can now drive to the island! Excited explorers drive their vehicles out to the island for hiking, camping and boating. And the stupid ones, fishing. Antelope Island is now in reach for the general public.  Good for people, bad for jackalopes.

 

The fall of the Jackalopes

 

A five point jackalope buck ventures out into the road. Little does he know that a Ford Falcon is heading straight for him at 60 Mph. Bam! The unexpecting jackalope is hit and killed by the car. One by one, the jackalopes are ran down and killed by vehicles.

Poor little guy didn’t even see it coming 🙁

Jackalope Hunting Is Closed

Mounted Buck Jackalope/Cabela’s

DWR is no longer selling jackalope permits. This special hunt will no longer take place, at least until the numbers re-populate.

This rare jackalope hybrid is extinct. His cousins are next! 🙁

Endangered Species

Seriously! How can you just sit there and do nothing!?
If you can scroll past this. You’re an a$$h0le!

Now it’s 2017 and the jackalope population has diminished and they are now on the endangered species list.

Sarah Mclachlan is here to help

Countless celebrities are doing there part. You should too! WWBD? What would Bono Do?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Credit/South Park

The Solution

Credit: Redbrand

“What we need is fence, and a lot of it. ” Said, Harry Manwood of the DWR.

Signs! Signs! Everywhere A Sign!

“Some jackalope crossing signs wouldn’t hurt either. ” Said, Harry Peter and Antelope Island toll booth worker

Let’s make The Antelope Island Jackalope Ranch a reality.  These animals need a a safe haven. Please, won’t you help?

Hit the share button to raise awareness. Do it for the baby jackalopes!

My Rescue Jackalope Therapy Animal

Did I save him or did he save me?

I hit this little fella with my car and nursed him back to health. He’s now my rescue animal.

Take Action

Hit the share button before it’s too late!

Save the Jackalopes of Antelope Island!

 

 

22 New Potential Sites For Utah Homeless Shelters

Salt Lake City,Utah- The people of SLC can’t seem to agree on a location to house the new homeless shelter. Surrounding cities don’t  want be a part of it. Town halls all over Utah have erupted in protest, bickering and fighting. Nobody seems to want to have a homeless shelter in their town. Local officials are fed up with trying to please everyone and are finally doing something about it.

“We are selecting the sites and we don’t want to hear anymore bickering or complaining about it.” Said, Tim Tolman of the Salt Lake City Council.”

The state has reached a crossroads and since nobody wants to lift the burden or take care of Utah’s homeless. The state has reached the point where they will select multiple  sites and just make it happen. They don’t really care who raises their voice in opposition, they are beyond that and just want to move forward.

22 new cities have been selected and it’s all possible through private funding, donations  and your tax dollars at work.

Here’s a list of potential sites.

1. Granite, Utah

Nick Bianco/flickr

With plenty of vacant land near snowbird, this is the perfect place to accommodate a shanty town. There is plenty of room for tents.

2. Summit Park, Utah

Chris Nichols/flickr

An anonymous wealthy local wants to donate a large chunk of property for Utah’s homeless.

3. South Snyderville Basin, Utah

TheFamilyGnome/flickr

Has plenty of open space and could potentially house hundreds of homeless. There could also be a soup kitchen in the works.

4. Olympus Cove, Utah

Garrett/flickr

Has plenty of potential properties and resources for a new center.

5. Alta, Utah

Rob Wynne/flickr

5 acres of land owned by the State of Utah might soon house Utah’s homeless.

6. Woodland Hills, Utah

Don LaVange/flickr

 

This city is on the map to accommodate Utah County’s homeless.

7. Highland, Utah

By Eric Ward from Provo, UT, USA, via Wikimedia Commons

This city has many prime spots that the state is looking at.

 

8. Fruit Heights, Utah

“Fruit Heights Utah City Hall” by Ntsimp

An old fruit Orchard and farm house may soon benefit Davis County’s homeless.

9. Little Cottonwood Creek Valley, Utah

Drew Card/flickr

A private donation might make this area a homeless Hotspot.

10. South Jordan,Utah

An old vacant building west of Bangeter Highway could soon be taking in West Valley’s homeless.

11. Farmington, Utah

denebola2025/flickr

A chunk of land owned by Utah would be a perfect solution for Davis County’s homeless. Locals fear that it will turn Farmington Station into Gateway, buts it’s probably going to happen anyways.

 

12. Alpine, Utah

Alpine City

 

A generous local is offering 10 acres of prime land for a homeless resource center.

 

13. Draper, Utah

Ken Lund/flickr

Has four locations on the east side that the state is looking at.

 

14. South Weber, Utah

South Weber/WikiCommons

A site is in the works for Weber County’s homeless

 

15. Bluffdale, Utah

Michael Kappel/flickr

An area West of the gravel pit might be a potential spot.

16. Holladay, Utah

Ken Lund/flickr

A Baptist Church offered a small site.

17. Sandy, Utah

LivingLandscapeArchitecture/flickr

A vacant Paradise Bakery could soon be a soup kitchen.

18. Stansbury Park, Utah

Stansbury Park/Facebook

Is looking like it with be the solution for Tooele County’s homeless.

19. Park City, Utah

Raffi Asdourian/flickr

The Park Meadows neighborhood soon may house a homeless resource center and low income housing.

20. Elk Ridge, Utah

Ken Lund/flickr

Don’t rule out this town. It’s a potential target for a resource center.

21. North Salt Lake, Utah

Bevan311/flickr

A chunk of vacant land near Eaglewood Golf Course could soon house Utah’s homeless. This privately owned land is the most likely candidate to house the shelter.

22. Bountiful, Utah

Maple Hills or Skyline Drive have two properties that are prime spots for a shelter.

 

What you think about these locations? (Comment Below)

The 90 Kangaroos released in Wyoming are already causing problems in Utah

Coalville, Utah- This morning county10.com  broke the story that 90 kangaroos were released in Dubois, Wyoming.

 

Not long after the kangaroos found their way to Utah. They were spotted around Echo Reservoir. Kangaroos are fond of fish, birds and have plenty of greens to eat. Hyrum Tolman of the Utah DWR thinks they will hang around the area for along time and start breeding.

When the kangaroos made their way to Coalville, that’s when the trouble started. Kangaroos happen to be very fond of beer. Problem is, they are billegerent drunks. Reports are pouring in of drunken Kangaroos breaking into houses, stealing food, beer, and whatever else they can get their paws on.

Jed Cummings, a Coalville resident said “I went outside today to go to work and noticed broken glass on the ground by my truck. The kangaroos stole a few CDS from my collection. They were pretty selective about what they took. Men at Work, Midnight Oil, AC-DC, Keith Urban, Olivia Newton John and Crowded House CDs. They only took CDs made by Australian bands. That’s when I knew it was the damn kangaroos!”

Emma Smith, of Echo said “They broke into my home and stole twinkies, beer and a BMX Bandits VHS tape. I guess they like shitty Nicole Kidman movies.”

 

Kangaroos have been known to box and fight. Unfortunately, adrunk kangaroo is 10 times worse. Here’s two kangaroos fighting in the streets of Coalville.

Kangaroos are also being struck by cars. Here’s a dashcam video of a kangaroo being struck by a car off of I-80 East.

Wyoming obiously made a big mistake releasing these kangaroos into to the wild. Day one and these kangaroos are causing nothing but trouble.

Do not approach the kangaroos, they are dangerous and love to fight.

We will bring you more on this story as it develops.

 

 

Breaking News: Angel Moroni Stolen From The Salt Lake City, Utah Mormon Temple

Salt Lake City, Utah – Just before sunset last night, a large drone removed the golden Angel Moroni from the top of the Salt Lake City Mormon Temple.

Witnesses claim that the drone used a green laser to cut and remove the statue from the top of the building. Some sort of suction cup was deployed and used to carry the heavy gold plated Moroni off into the sunset.

Apparently after the heist, the drone made a rapid descent and touched down near Magna, Utah.

The LDS Church commented “We have dealt with this sort of thing in the past. Many people have tried to steal the angel. But have never been successful. We will find these evildoers and bring them to justice.”

We will bring you more as the story develops.

 

Utah issues first baby DUI

Salt Lake City, Utah- A crazed baby on fermented breast milk, led Utah Highway Patrol, Bountiful, West Bountiful, Woods Cross, North Salt Lake and Salt Lake Police Departments on a slow speed chase today.

West Bountiful Police got a report of a billegerent baby urinating in the sand box at a West Bountiful Park. When they arrived on the scene. They found Brexton Tolman, a Bountiful baby, knocking back a bottle of fermented breast milk.

When the officers approached Brexton. He hunched over and spit up Gerber peas and carrots. When the officers asked him how much he drank. He replied, “Na-Na-Boo-Baby-Ga-Ga!” After refusing to take the breathalyzer test. Brexton jumped into his baby car and started pedaling. The two West Bountiful cops were too out of shape to keep up. So they chased the baby through multiple cities in their cruisers until he finally stopped to take a nap.

The chase ended in SLC, where Brexton was booked into the Salt Lake County Jail Time-Out block.

Kenzilynn Tolman, Brextons mom said “I had no idea that Brexton and his friends were stashing their old baby bottles and letting them ferment.”


“Playground Hooch is dangerous business and will not be tolerated.” Said SGT. Harry Manwood of the West Bountiful PD.

Governor Gary Herbert says “Baby’s and toddlers don’t get a free pass. The Lisa Steed Act or Lisa’s Law applies to them too. If you blow a .05, you’re going to jail. Baby, or not!”

 

Utah Names New DUI Law After Former Utah Highway Patrol Officer ‘Lisa Steed.’

Dirty Steeds, Done Dirt Cheap!

In this photo from the Utah Highway Patrol’s 75th anniversary yearbook, Cpl. Lisa Steed stands with a shotgun.
Courtesy Utah Highway Patrol

Salt Lake City, Utah- Lisa Steed is a former Davis Country Utah Highway Patrol. She was the state’s top revenue making machine. She broke state records for DUI arrest. She was even awarded ‘Trooper Of The Year” for it.  But Lisa had a dirty little secret. 99% of her DUI arrest were bogus.

Credit: Deseret News

Steed’s  dark secret finally came to light. Video evidence was submitted and she was fired for wrongfully arresting Utah residents for a DUI, most of them weren’t even drinking. After unnecessarily destroying lives, tearing apart families and costing people their jobs. Steed was finished, and lawsuits were filed.

Steeds absence has been painful for the state. She was bringing in hundreds of thousands of dollars annually. Now they are paying out the victims in lawsuits and damages. The state of Utah was trying to figure out how to reinstate Lisa’s revenue stream, with her being absent. Steed tried to  return to the Utah Highway Patrol, but a federal judge shut her hopes and dreams of returning down. Herbert’s office cooked up the perfect plan. The ultimate way to give a perfectly sober person a DUI. “Lisa’s Law” or “THE LISA STEED ACT” was modeled after her. The law drops the blood alcohol level from .08 to .05. Bam! Now all Utah cops have the powers that Lisa had. Think of her as an evil Sith Lord that brought corruption and darkness into police officers hearts.

Credit: Fox 13 News

The state is back in business! Arrest are being made left and right. Utahns are being busted for using mouthwash, sipping kombucha and even rubbing essential oils on their skin. School children are even being locked up for drinking semi-fermented juice boxes. The numbers are going up and the state is excited.

Breaking News: Robbery At Bountiful, Utah Chase Bank

Bountiful, Utah- A Clearfield man entered Chase Bank on 500 South in Bountiful to cash a check for the amount of $50.01. He never expected to be robbed by the bank itself. The clerk made an angry face and said “We’re taking $8.00 to cash that check!” Eight bucks to cash a $50.00 check! We have to agree, that is robbery.

Apparently, this in not an isolated incident. The man has been robbed before by Key Bank, US Bank and even Zions Bank. This seems like a greedy trend by banks.

Fortunately, there’s a solution. It’s called a credit Union. Perhaps, America First or Mountain America Credit Union would be the wiser choice. They don’t pull this crap! Why do business with someone that screws you before you’re a customer?

Satire, sort of

 

 

Valentine’s Day: Special Report

(February 2017 — Salt Lake City, UT) If you’re looking for the sweetest spot to be on this day for lovers, you couldn’t find a better place than Mormon country. A University of Kansas study, released last week, rated Mormon men as the most potent in the country.

As part of a survey of several different ethnic groups, U Kansas researchers asked American men about their ancestry, progeny, and sexual habits. The researchers followed up the written survey with a physical inspection and detailed investigation into the sex lives of over seven hundred volunteers taken from four different ethnic groups.

Men who reported descent from at least two Mormon grandparents led the rankings in sexual activity, number of children fathered, and physical prowess, outranking Italian-Americans, Polish-Americans, and Southern Baptists.

Mormon leaders, when asked to comment on the study results, credited their success to healthy living and “following the counsel of the living prophets and honoring their priesthood.” They also noted their own longevity. Average age in the all-male Quorum of Twelve Apostles, the leading body of the Church, is 69, and nearly all the members are still active and strong.

That Mormon men are well-endowed comes as no surprise to Mormon leaders or members. In an interview last year, Mormon Church President Thomas S. Monson said that for the Mormon church size really does matter, and deviations from this are just “a blip here and a blip there.”

The university researchers, however, credit the study results to history and natural selection. “The practice of polygamy among the early Utah settlers for three and more generations,” said Dr. Ryan Bontoff, “led to heightened selection pressures on males. It’s a case of sexual dimorphism like with the peacock’s tail,” he explained. “Those males with bigger displays and more aggressive courting patterns ended up with more females, more mating opportunities, and more offspring, thus passing on their traits to the next generation.”

So are Mormon male leaders like Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, who had several dozen wives each, like the showy peacocks strutting their stuff? “The analogy that comes closer to my mind,” said Dr. Bontoff, “is probably something more like the bull elephant seal or the silverback gorilla.”

“Both [the elephant seal and the silverback gorilla] are very territorial and jealously guard their harems,” Dr. Bontoff added. “Though of course you can’t extrapolate from animal behavior to humans.”

The U Kansas study is a breakthrough in demonstrating such a rapid rate for human evolution. “Though fifty years [of polygamy] is a very small time span on the ecological time scale, it was already enough to show some effects,” Dr. Bontoff concluded.

If Dr. Bontoff and his colleagues are right, it is perhaps fortunate that Mormon polygamy ended when it did. Continuation of the practice for a few more generations might have led to a male membership of prodigious proportions.

“Breeding experiments among human beings is, obviously, prohibited by moral considerations,” notes Dr. Heidi Lindorff, co-author of the study. “So we don’t get many chances to study effects like this. But there is no mistaking it: the Mormon man is the proto-Uber-Mensch,” or super-man.

It is not known whether the mates of these super-men appreciate their good fortune. They do produce more children than average, and that fact now has a biological explanation in addition to a possible cultural one. “The Mormon men in the study were just more fecund,” said Dr. Lindorff. “When it came to impregnating females, they had a noticeably higher ‘hit’ rate.”

Researchers from the University of California -San Francisco Mobile Sperm Collection Unit noted similar results during a visit to Mormon-owned Brigham Young University last fall. “The samples we received were clearly among the best we had ever got,” said Dr. Howard Beinman, head of the Reproduction Research Laboratory, which is the home base of the Mobile Sperm Unit. “They’ve just got better juice.”

So do Mormon men make better lovers? “We would have to do a survey of their mates to find that out,” said Dr. Bontoff. “Of course, with a question like this you can’t rely on the opinions of the men themselves, and we wouldn’t want to come to any conclusions prematurely.”

Another upcoming study would focus on Mormon women from a different angle. “If we can already see selection pressure on Mormon men towards a ‘peacock’ response, we wonder if we might see a reciprocal pressure on Mormon women,” said Dr. Lindorff. “The peahen, as you know, is really a drab little bird. And that might explain some things.”

Of note in the U Kansas study is also what it did _not_ show. Neither the Catholic Polish-Americans, renowned for having large families, nor the Italian-Americans, famed as the lady-killing Don Juans of the world, showed such sexual prowess. Also interesting to note is that Southern Baptists showed no such harem tendencies which might offer Bill Clinton a biological scapegoat for his reputed sexual adventures.

The Utah Board of Tourism has just learned of the study, and is eager to make use of the results to tout Utah’s unique attractions. “Especially with the Olympics coming up” in 2002, said Don Wiley of the Tourism Board. “We think we could come up with a new slogan. ‘Land of Adventure’ and ‘Greatest Snow on Earth’ have had their day. We think we can come up with something new and exciting.”

Would he be willing to give us a hint?

“Well, how does this grab you: ‘Utah: Bigger than You Thought.’ ”

Credit: C. K. Woodworth