Breaking News: The Tuna Gate Scandal

Salt Lake City, Utah – Donald Trump just recently visited Utah to sign a bill that would greatly reduce the size of Bears Ears and Escalante National Monuments. Trump’s long time friend Senator Orrin Hatch originally asked Trump if he would come to Utah and undo the bill that former President Obama signed, that expanded the size of the national monument. A quick flight on Airforce One and the stroke of a pen and Trump wiped out Obama’s Bill.  He also met with LDS church leaders to discuss Welfare Square.

Trump- Meet The Mormons

There was more to Trumps visit than people know.
The Brine Shrimp received a video of Hatch and Trump discussing this. We also recieved emails communications between the two men. Something seemed fishy.

What the public doesn’t know is that a secret deal went down. Tump originally declined Hatch’s request to come to Utah, Orrin had to bribe him to get him here. What could possibly offer him? He has all the money in the world. Everything is within his reach. That’s where his Mr. Trumps hidden addiction was exploited by Hatch. Donald Trump loves Mormon tuna. He loves it, bigly! And Orrin knows it. You probably noticed Trumps strange behavior when he visited Welfare Square. He started acting weird around the tuna.

Donald Trump chomping down on Mormon Tuna

Hatch promised Donald that he would use his LDS connections to get Mr. Trump approved for church welfare. Once approved he could gain access to The Bishop’s Storehouse, where he could get endless Mormon Tuna.

Trump greatly exceeded the income limit for these services, but Hatch made it happen. He also pulled some strings to get Donald extra tuna on his food order. Trump plans on using tax payer dollars to make secret trips to Utah on Airforce One to pickup his weekly food order.

Hatch returned the favor to The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints by signing over some of the land to the church. Apparently, they believe  a Stargate or a wormhole in the area that will take you to Planet Kolob.

We will bring you more on this story as it unfolds.

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Gary Herbert makes it illegal to deny that popcorn pops on the apricot trees

Salt Lake City, Utah- New legislation just passed making it illegal to deny that popcorn pops on apricot trees. Next spring when the apricot trees are in full bloom. You would be able to call the beautiful flowers “Blossoms” anymore. Well, at least in Utah. You will have to refered the white blossoms as “Popcorn.” Denying it’s popcorn could land you 30 days in jail and result in you paying a huge fine. It will be considered a Class A Misdemeanor to deviate from the teachings of the LDS primary song “Popcorn Popping On The Apricot Tree.”

A bit of history on the origin of this song. “Popcorn Popping On The Apricot Tree” is an old LDS primary song written by Georgia W. Bello in 1924 and was added to the Mormon Children’s Songbook.

Credit: LDS Smile

Mr. Herbert takes these words seriously. So serious that he made denying it against the law.

Lyrics
1. I looked out the window, and what did I see?
Popcorn popping on the apricot tree!
Spring had brought me such a nice surprise,
Blossoms popping right before my eyes.
I could take an armful and make a treat,
A popcorn ball that would smell so sweet.
It wasn’t really so, but it seemed to be
Popcorn popping on the apricot tree.
Words: Georgia W. Bello, b. 1924. © 1957 IRI
Music: Georgia W. Bello, b. 1924; arr. by Betty Lou Cooney, b. 1924. © 1957, 1989 IRI

“Popcorn does pop on the apricot trees, I’ve seen it with my own eyes and it’s ridiculous to say otherwise! This is the most important thing I’ve signed into law. This will be my legacy!” Said, Governor Herbert.

The law goes into effect January of 2018.

Life Discovered On The Moon, Mormons Dispatch Missionaries

Washington DC- Donald Trump announced on Friday that NASA has discovered intelligent life on the Moon.

 

Donald Trump has not been a traditional US president. Many have wondered if UFO disclosure was on the table.

Five species of aliens were discovered. The greys were the dominate species on the planet.

“A video of a grey alien interview will be released later on this week. I have personally talked to the aliens at Area 51. It’s a beautiful building. Other countries have these kind of facilities. But ours is the best.” Said President Trump.

The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints held a conference today on the topic. ”

“We will immediately be dispatching missionaries to the moon. We have already space craft that are ready to go. Elder Ezra Znog, a LDS alien convert will be overseeing  communications and translate the book of Mormon into the grey language. He will also be teaching other elders grey and how to communicate using mental telepathy.” Said, Church President Thomas S. Monson.

Future plans for a Mormon Moon Temple are already in the works. If the Church cannot successfully launch a temple into space, they will construct giant kelms  to melt down meteor rocks to construct the space temple.

We will bring you more on this story as it develops.

 

 

Mormons To Build LDS Temple On Mars

Mars- The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints just announced that they will be building an LDS temple on Mars. On Monday morning, the church plans on launching a super rover named “FAITH.” The super Droid was built at BYU’s robotics department.

Credit: Fisher-Price

 

 

“We named this robot ‘Faith’ because Faith will move mountains.” Said Zackaryzz Ezra Bangeter, a BYU professor.

As Elon Musk, Billionaire/PayPal founder advances to colonize Mars with his Space-X program, the Mormons  want to be ready.

Image Credit: www.williebacker.com

The Church with dispatch Mormon Missionaries as soon as the space pioneers have settled the red planet.

Breaking News: Angel Moroni Stolen From The Salt Lake City, Utah Mormon Temple

Salt Lake City, Utah – Just before sunset last night, a large drone removed the golden Angel Moroni from the top of the Salt Lake City Mormon Temple.

Witnesses claim that the drone used a green laser to cut and remove the statue from the top of the building. Some sort of suction cup was deployed and used to carry the heavy gold plated Moroni off into the sunset.

Apparently after the heist, the drone made a rapid descent and touched down near Magna, Utah.

The LDS Church commented “We have dealt with this sort of thing in the past. Many people have tried to steal the angel. But have never been successful. We will find these evildoers and bring them to justice.”

We will bring you more as the story develops.

 

Utah issues first baby DUI

Salt Lake City, Utah- A crazed baby on fermented breast milk, led Utah Highway Patrol, Bountiful, West Bountiful, Woods Cross, North Salt Lake and Salt Lake Police Departments on a slow speed chase today.

West Bountiful Police got a report of a billegerent baby urinating in the sand box at a West Bountiful Park. When they arrived on the scene. They found Brexton Tolman, a Bountiful baby, knocking back a bottle of fermented breast milk.

When the officers approached Brexton. He hunched over and spit up Gerber peas and carrots. When the officers asked him how much he drank. He replied, “Na-Na-Boo-Baby-Ga-Ga!” After refusing to take the breathalyzer test. Brexton jumped into his baby car and started pedaling. The two West Bountiful cops were too out of shape to keep up. So they chased the baby through multiple cities in their cruisers until he finally stopped to take a nap.

The chase ended in SLC, where Brexton was booked into the Salt Lake County Jail Time-Out block.

Kenzilynn Tolman, Brextons mom said “I had no idea that Brexton and his friends were stashing their old baby bottles and letting them ferment.”


“Playground Hooch is dangerous business and will not be tolerated.” Said SGT. Harry Manwood of the West Bountiful PD.

Governor Gary Herbert says “Baby’s and toddlers don’t get a free pass. The Lisa Steed Act or Lisa’s Law applies to them too. If you blow a .05, you’re going to jail. Baby, or not!”

 

Valentine’s Day: Special Report

(February 2017 — Salt Lake City, UT) If you’re looking for the sweetest spot to be on this day for lovers, you couldn’t find a better place than Mormon country. A University of Kansas study, released last week, rated Mormon men as the most potent in the country.

As part of a survey of several different ethnic groups, U Kansas researchers asked American men about their ancestry, progeny, and sexual habits. The researchers followed up the written survey with a physical inspection and detailed investigation into the sex lives of over seven hundred volunteers taken from four different ethnic groups.

Men who reported descent from at least two Mormon grandparents led the rankings in sexual activity, number of children fathered, and physical prowess, outranking Italian-Americans, Polish-Americans, and Southern Baptists.

Mormon leaders, when asked to comment on the study results, credited their success to healthy living and “following the counsel of the living prophets and honoring their priesthood.” They also noted their own longevity. Average age in the all-male Quorum of Twelve Apostles, the leading body of the Church, is 69, and nearly all the members are still active and strong.

That Mormon men are well-endowed comes as no surprise to Mormon leaders or members. In an interview last year, Mormon Church President Thomas S. Monson said that for the Mormon church size really does matter, and deviations from this are just “a blip here and a blip there.”

The university researchers, however, credit the study results to history and natural selection. “The practice of polygamy among the early Utah settlers for three and more generations,” said Dr. Ryan Bontoff, “led to heightened selection pressures on males. It’s a case of sexual dimorphism like with the peacock’s tail,” he explained. “Those males with bigger displays and more aggressive courting patterns ended up with more females, more mating opportunities, and more offspring, thus passing on their traits to the next generation.”

So are Mormon male leaders like Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, who had several dozen wives each, like the showy peacocks strutting their stuff? “The analogy that comes closer to my mind,” said Dr. Bontoff, “is probably something more like the bull elephant seal or the silverback gorilla.”

“Both [the elephant seal and the silverback gorilla] are very territorial and jealously guard their harems,” Dr. Bontoff added. “Though of course you can’t extrapolate from animal behavior to humans.”

The U Kansas study is a breakthrough in demonstrating such a rapid rate for human evolution. “Though fifty years [of polygamy] is a very small time span on the ecological time scale, it was already enough to show some effects,” Dr. Bontoff concluded.

If Dr. Bontoff and his colleagues are right, it is perhaps fortunate that Mormon polygamy ended when it did. Continuation of the practice for a few more generations might have led to a male membership of prodigious proportions.

“Breeding experiments among human beings is, obviously, prohibited by moral considerations,” notes Dr. Heidi Lindorff, co-author of the study. “So we don’t get many chances to study effects like this. But there is no mistaking it: the Mormon man is the proto-Uber-Mensch,” or super-man.

It is not known whether the mates of these super-men appreciate their good fortune. They do produce more children than average, and that fact now has a biological explanation in addition to a possible cultural one. “The Mormon men in the study were just more fecund,” said Dr. Lindorff. “When it came to impregnating females, they had a noticeably higher ‘hit’ rate.”

Researchers from the University of California -San Francisco Mobile Sperm Collection Unit noted similar results during a visit to Mormon-owned Brigham Young University last fall. “The samples we received were clearly among the best we had ever got,” said Dr. Howard Beinman, head of the Reproduction Research Laboratory, which is the home base of the Mobile Sperm Unit. “They’ve just got better juice.”

So do Mormon men make better lovers? “We would have to do a survey of their mates to find that out,” said Dr. Bontoff. “Of course, with a question like this you can’t rely on the opinions of the men themselves, and we wouldn’t want to come to any conclusions prematurely.”

Another upcoming study would focus on Mormon women from a different angle. “If we can already see selection pressure on Mormon men towards a ‘peacock’ response, we wonder if we might see a reciprocal pressure on Mormon women,” said Dr. Lindorff. “The peahen, as you know, is really a drab little bird. And that might explain some things.”

Of note in the U Kansas study is also what it did _not_ show. Neither the Catholic Polish-Americans, renowned for having large families, nor the Italian-Americans, famed as the lady-killing Don Juans of the world, showed such sexual prowess. Also interesting to note is that Southern Baptists showed no such harem tendencies which might offer Bill Clinton a biological scapegoat for his reputed sexual adventures.

The Utah Board of Tourism has just learned of the study, and is eager to make use of the results to tout Utah’s unique attractions. “Especially with the Olympics coming up” in 2002, said Don Wiley of the Tourism Board. “We think we could come up with a new slogan. ‘Land of Adventure’ and ‘Greatest Snow on Earth’ have had their day. We think we can come up with something new and exciting.”

Would he be willing to give us a hint?

“Well, how does this grab you: ‘Utah: Bigger than You Thought.’ ”

Credit: C. K. Woodworth

 

Utah Town Burns Copies Of Footloose And Bans Dancing

images-1

Lehi, Utah- Local church officials and city goverment met at the local library and began burning vinyl records, picture disc, beta max, 8-Tracks and VHS copies of Footloose.

SHAW MOORE

Shaw Moore claims “The music in this movie is just too dark rebellious. I, mean… Almost Paradise could summon demons from the darkest depths of hell.”

footloose-1984-ren-kevin-bacon-town-council-john-lithgow

The city council moved to ban dancing and loud music.

footloose-break-dancing-o

“We will tolerate any break dancing in this town.” Said, Nephi Bangeter. Local plant manager of The Lehi Roller Mills.

kevin-bacon

Local activist Ren McCormack said, “I’m leaving town and never looking back. I fought this kind of tyranny over 30 years ago and I don’t have the strength to do it again. I’d probably just end up breaking a hip.”

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Ariel Moore, the Reverand Moore’s daughter  was arrested for showing too much shoulder and her vulgar t-shirts.

We will keep you posted as this story unfolds. Local Lehi teens feel like we have taken one step forward and two steps back. No dance moves intended.

 

footloose-soundtrack

This is a track listing for the “Footloose” soundtrack.

Footloose
Performed by Kenny Loggins

Let’s Hear It for the Boy
Performed by Deniece Williams

Dancing in the Sheets
Performed by Shalamar

Never
Performed by Moving Pictures

I’m Free
Performed by Kenny Loggins

The Girl Gets Around
Performed by Sammy Hagar

Holding Out for a Hero
Performed by Bonnie Tyler

Somebody’s Eyes
Performed by Karla Bonoff

Bang Your Head (Metal Health)
Performed by Quiet Riot

Waiting for A Girl Like You
Performed by Foreigner

Hurts So Good
Performed by John Mellencamp (as John Cougar)

Almost Paradise
(Love Theme)
Performed by Mike Reno and Ann Wilson

Tupac live at The Salt Lake Tabernacle

That’s right, Tupac Shakur is back, and he’s ready to throw down in Utah’s most notorious venues, with the worlds most holy of choirs.

Tickets are just $25

Kids seats are still only 5 buuuuuuuuucks!!!!

The 128th ward relief society will be providing spaghetti and lemonade for the first 25 people!

Blessings will be offered by the local missionaries!

You won’t want to miss this one! We are about to resurrect some sick beats.

Check Out The Event Page!!! —-> Click Here