Breaking News: Utah Bans Fireworks Statewide Due To Fire Danger

Salt Lake City, Utah- The State of Utah has decided to ban fireworks this year due to extreme fire danger. Several fires have been started acrossed the state. Governor Gary Herbert has pulled the plug on this year’s fireworks celebrations. All private displays are illegal and people will be cited or arrested. There will be no exceptions. Snakes, popits, tanks and sparklers will be considered a felony, just as much as ariels, firecrackers, cherry bombs, m-80s, bottle rockets and Roman candles. The 4th of July is officially cancelled.

“If you want to have fun, you will have to go to another state to do it. Just like everything else” Said, Herbert

 

Now hit the share button and punk your friends.

 

 

 

 

Utah lawmakers fear they are running out of things to make illegal

Salt Lake City, Utah- After the last state legislation session,  Utah fears they are running out of things to make illegal.  They continue to chisel away at alcohol, tobacco ,  marijuana, porn, sex, certain  positions, gambling, music, dancing, too much shoulder in yearbook photos and anything remotely fun. Eventually, there will be nothing left.

The state is currently working on a new tax called “Fun Tax.” Not to be confused with “Sin Tax.” Utah’s new strategy will be to tax anything that they can’t make illegal and give you a ticket, felony, misdemeanor  or minor infraction for.

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Gary Herbert in cooperation  will Utah lawmakers will eventually make all Utah laws align with the Mormon Word of wisdom.  The state will fully ban tobacco, coffee, tea, alcohol and all strong drinks. You will be required to use meat sparingly. All store purchases will be tracked by a unique identification number. Doesn’t matter if you’re using cash, credit or ebt. Using herbs use is highly encouraged, minus marijuana.

As Utah descends into the dark ages. Our state seems more and more like the town depicted in the 1980s movie ‘Footloose.’  Ironically, it was filmed in Utah.

“Come on down to Utah! We’re gonna party like it’s 1955!” Robin Williams

 

What will Utah make illegal next?