Salt Lake City, Utah- Daw Inc. in partnership with Scrodium Biosciences wants a state run monopoly on CBD and all things cannabis. Now we know why they were so aggressively wanting to move the prison. They need room for more greenhouses. This is nothing more than the State of Utah having it’s cake and eating it too. The war on drugs has put many people behind bars. It’s a big racket and highly profitable to incarcerate people. Utah does not want to lose it’s cash cow but still has ambitions of getting into the cannabis game.
This plan will not be without it’s difficulties.
“The main problem we will be facing is keistering. Only people with less than 6 months to live should be able to try cannabis. I decide who gets to use cannabis. We have blocked 98% of Utah Patients from accessing it. Prisoners aren’t going to use my cannabis, not on my watch!” Said, (Rep) Brad Daw of Orem.
Keistering is the practice of smuggling contraband in an inmate’s anus . This is a huge problem for Daw Inc. because they will be losing huge profits and prisoners will have access to Medical Grade Industrial Hemp. Daw Inc. did figure out a solution though. “Operation Brown Glove” led by UHP (Rep) Lee Perry, will be an aggressive anti-keistering campaign that must be done to every single inmate that is working on the grow operation.
“There’s no other way to do this. We just need to suck it up and do it. Utah has worked very hard to put this framework in place. I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty. I’ll just rub a little vapor rub on my moustache and dig right it.” said, Perry.
Sheriff Terry Thompson felt a bit different about this.
“Cannabis causes erectile dysfunction, it’s the new salt Peter. Giving prisoners access to a bit of cannabis might stop a couple of problems from arising at the prison.” said, Thompson.
We reached out to Senator Evan Vickers, A Utah Pharmacist. He was unavailable to discuss how dangerous medical industrial hemp and how many you would have to inject to overdose. Vickers was the Senate floor sponsor for most of Daw’s bills. He kind of stepped out of the limelight after a call girl tried to trap him in a “HoneyPot.”
Salt Lake City, Utah- New legislation just passed making it illegal to deny that popcorn pops on apricot trees. Next spring when the apricot trees are in full bloom. You would be able to call the beautiful flowers “Blossoms” anymore. Well, at least in Utah. You will have to refered the white blossoms as “Popcorn.” Denying it’s popcorn could land you 30 days in jail and result in you paying a huge fine. It will be considered a Class A Misdemeanor to deviate from the teachings of the LDS primary song “Popcorn Popping On The Apricot Tree.”
A bit of history on the origin of this song. “Popcorn Popping On The Apricot Tree” is an old LDS primary song written by Georgia W. Bello in 1924 and was added to the Mormon Children’s Songbook.
Mr. Herbert takes these words seriously. So serious that he made denying it against the law.
“Popcorn does pop on the apricot trees, I’ve seen it with my own eyes and it’s ridiculous to say otherwise! This is the most important thing I’ve signed into law. This will be my legacy!” Said, Governor Herbert.
Salt Lake City, Utah- Gary Herbert just approved a bill that would prevent Californians from moving to Utah. He blames California for Utah’s public health crisis, AKA “Porn.”
The wall be constructed at Bangerter Highway blocking all Cali Migrants from making it any further into the valley. There will be check points and anyone from California will have to provide a guest Visa or passport. They will also be asked if they have any porn to declare at the checkpoint.
“There is one designated zone Californians are welcome to live. Daybreak, we can pack em’ in tight there. We’ll stack em’ so high, they’ll be able to see their home state from their balcony.” Said, Herbert.
Herbert, added. “We will not tolerate these folks bringing any kind of porn into our great state either.”
Gary Herbert plans on making California pay for the wall. Governor Jerry Brown says “We’re not going paying for it!”
Anthony Kiedis of The Red Hot Chili Peppers is already writing a crappy 22 song album about the ordeal Entitled: “Leaving California.”
“The entire band is excited to have some new material for songs about California.” Said, Flea- Kiedis’s bassplayer, long time band mate and friend.
Thomas S. Monson of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, Said. The Church has reached out to Governor Herbert and he has agreed to take in California refugees that are members of the LDS faith.
Protesters have already begun to go out and show their opposition to Gary’s wall. The largest one lead by Madonna. Every time she’s not feeling relevant, she crawls outta the woodwork for some publicity.
“Utah keeps on pushing my love over the borderline.” Says Madonna.
Rockstar Bono showed up drunk at the Utah homeless shelter, not even sure what the hell he was protesting. He did a free concert for Utah’s homeless and most of them left.
Rodney Dechamp said “Man, we’re homeless. Being out on the street is bad enough without Bono f**king up our day with his horrible music. He’s just adding insult to injury. He’s an obnoxious drunk, and a pretentious a**hole. He needs to take his punk a** back to where the leprechauns roam. He’s really pissing in me lucky charms.”
The U2 frontman just probably just needed a tax write off so he did a so called “free” concert. Oh, wait! Bono doesn’t pay taxes.
We will keep you posted on this story as it develops. Check back for updates.
Salt Lake City, Utah- After the last state legislation session, Utah fears they are running out of things to make illegal. They continue to chisel away at alcohol, tobacco , marijuana, porn, sex, certain positions, gambling, music, dancing, too much shoulder in yearbook photos and anything remotely fun. Eventually, there will be nothing left.
The state is currently working on a new tax called “Fun Tax.” Not to be confused with “Sin Tax.” Utah’s new strategy will be to tax anything that they can’t make illegal and give you a ticket, felony, misdemeanor or minor infraction for.
Gary Herbert in cooperation will Utah lawmakers will eventually make all Utah laws align with the Mormon Word of wisdom. The state will fully ban tobacco, coffee, tea, alcohol and all strong drinks. You will be required to use meat sparingly. All store purchases will be tracked by a unique identification number. Doesn’t matter if you’re using cash, credit or ebt. Using herbs use is highly encouraged, minus marijuana.
As Utah descends into the dark ages. Our state seems more and more like the town depicted in the 1980s movie ‘Footloose.’ Ironically, it was filmed in Utah.
“Come on down to Utah! We’re gonna party like it’s 1955!” Robin Williams
Salt Lake City, Utah- A crazed baby on fermented breast milk, led Utah Highway Patrol, Bountiful, West Bountiful, Woods Cross, North Salt Lake and Salt Lake Police Departments on a slow speed chase today.
West Bountiful Police got a report of a billegerent baby urinating in the sand box at a West Bountiful Park. When they arrived on the scene. They found Brexton Tolman, a Bountiful baby, knocking back a bottle of fermented breast milk.
When the officers approached Brexton. He hunched over and spit up Gerber peas and carrots. When the officers asked him how much he drank. He replied, “Na-Na-Boo-Baby-Ga-Ga!” After refusing to take the breathalyzer test. Brexton jumped into his baby car and started pedaling. The two West Bountiful cops were too out of shape to keep up. So they chased the baby through multiple cities in their cruisers until he finally stopped to take a nap.
The chase ended in SLC, where Brexton was booked into the Salt Lake County Jail Time-Out block.
Kenzilynn Tolman, Brextons mom said “I had no idea that Brexton and his friends were stashing their old baby bottles and letting them ferment.”
“Playground Hooch is dangerous business and will not be tolerated.” Said SGT. Harry Manwood of the West Bountiful PD.
Governor Gary Herbert says “Baby’s and toddlers don’t get a free pass. The Lisa Steed Act or Lisa’s Law applies to them too. If you blow a .05, you’re going to jail. Baby, or not!”
Salt Lake City, Utah- Governor Gary Herbert just set forth legislation to ban all residential high speed internet in the state. Proposing only government agencies would have access to broadband, fiber, or other lightning fast services. Everyone else will have 56k dail up modems
This is Herbert’s new strategy to combat porn streaming in Utah. His latest attempts to ban it completely, have been unsuccessful.
“Theoretically, if we slow the flow of streaming media. People simply wont sit around and wait for a video load. Those frustrated dirty thrill seekers will simply have to find better things to occupy their time.” Said, Herbert !
Herbert deemed pornography a “Public Health Crisis” and tried to abolish it from the state. With many unsuccessful attempts to do so. He’s now resorting to other measures to slow the porn flow.
Utah has been showing promise as being the next Silicone Valley. This would be detrimental to Utah being the next tech hub. Adobe and other companies have already threatened to leave the state.
Let’s just hope Mr. Herbert doesn’t push us back to the dark ages of the interweb. We should brace ourselves for 20 seconds of buffer time to 2 seconds of video. Sorry, kids. No Call Of Duty for you!
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has declared war against masturbation, which they conclude is seriously harming the lives of young people. And they have decided to go after supplies that potential masturbators might need.
Bob Whitbread, LDS spokesperson, said the church is going to urge Utah Gov. Gary Herbert to impose limits on the sale of Vaseline and Kleenex.
“If a young man is buying large supplies of these items, it’s evident he has fallen prey to masturbation,” Whitbread said.
“The sin of masturbation occurs when a person stimulates his or her own sex organs for the purpose of sexual arousal. It is a perversion of the body’s passions. When we pervert these passions and intentionally use them for selfish, immoral purposes, we become carnal,” according to the church’s website.
Mormon-dominated Utah is known as one of the most conservative states in the union. Herbert recently signed a resolution labelling pornography a “public health crisis.” However, Utah is known to have the highest consumption of pornography in the country, according to a study by Harvard professor Benjamin Edelman.