Breaking News: Utah Bans Fireworks Statewide Due To Fire Danger

Salt Lake City, Utah- The State of Utah has decided to ban fireworks this year due to extreme fire danger. Several fires have been started acrossed the state. Governor Gary Herbert has pulled the plug on this year’s fireworks celebrations. All private displays are illegal and people will be cited or arrested. There will be no exceptions. Snakes, popits, tanks and sparklers will be considered a felony, just as much as ariels, firecrackers, cherry bombs, m-80s, bottle rockets and Roman candles. The 4th of July is officially cancelled.

“If you want to have fun, you will have to go to another state to do it. Just like everything else” Said, Herbert

 

Now hit the share button and punk your friends.

 

 

 

 

Utah To Ban High Speed Internet And Revert To Dialup

Photo Source: Rick Bowmer/AP

Salt Lake City, Utah- Governor Gary Herbert just set forth legislation to ban all residential high speed internet in the state. Proposing only government agencies would have access to broadband, fiber, or other lightning fast services. Everyone else will have 56k dail up modems

This is Herbert’s new strategy to combat porn streaming in Utah. His latest attempts to ban it completely, have been unsuccessful.

“Theoretically, if we slow the flow of streaming media. People simply wont sit around and wait for a video load. Those frustrated dirty thrill seekers will simply have to find better things to occupy their time.” Said, Herbert !

Herbert deemed pornography a “Public Health Crisis” and tried to abolish it from the state. With many unsuccessful attempts to do so. He’s now resorting to other measures to slow the porn flow.
Utah has been showing promise as being the next Silicone Valley. This would be detrimental to Utah being the next tech hub. Adobe and other companies have already threatened to leave the state.


Let’s just hope Mr. Herbert doesn’t push us back to the dark ages of the interweb. We should brace ourselves for 20 seconds of buffer time to 2 seconds of video. Sorry, kids. No Call Of Duty for you!