Lizard Person Doug Wright Hates Fake News

Salt Lake City, Utah- Today on the Doug Wright Show. Doug discussed the topic of “Fake News.” Being a lizard person from the planet Kolob. Doug knows that reformed Egyptian  code and secret knowledge can be deciphered from fake news sites, tabloids and satire pages. Using an old alchemist method, an urim and thummim can be used to crack the code. Hidden deep within these ancient scripts, is knowledge that can rid the earth of lizard people.

I have been working on cracking the code with a special magic rock. This was the first message I deciphered  “Be Sure To Drink Your Ovalteen.” Drinking this special drink with lift the veil and you can see the lizard people in their true form. This is dangerous for the lizard folk. They know we will not accept their plan heat up earths atmosphere using reptile voodoo magic. Like putting carrots in green jello to accelerate global warming. A special frysauce recipe will break their voodoo hex and will block all bad lizard ju ju from entering your body. We will keep you posted as this story unfolds. And help you prepare your for an attempted hostile, interdimensional alien takeover.

 

 

 

Police Calm Millennial Protesters By Handing Out Participation Trophies — The Brine Shrimp

U.S.—As anti-Trump rallies nationwide turned hostile overnight with widespread reports of violence, looting, vandalism, and death threats against the president-elect and his supporters, police in numerous major cities were able to instill calm and regain control by handing out participation trophies to all millennial protesters who were enraged about losing the election, sources confirmed. The…

via Police Calm Millennial Protesters By Handing Out Participation Trophies — The Babylon Bee

Utah Town Burns Copies Of Footloose And Bans Dancing

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Lehi, Utah- Local church officials and city goverment met at the local library and began burning vinyl records, picture disc, beta max, 8-Tracks and VHS copies of Footloose.

SHAW MOORE

Shaw Moore claims “The music in this movie is just too dark rebellious. I, mean… Almost Paradise could summon demons from the darkest depths of hell.”

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The city council moved to ban dancing and loud music.

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“We will tolerate any break dancing in this town.” Said, Nephi Bangeter. Local plant manager of The Lehi Roller Mills.

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Local activist Ren McCormack said, “I’m leaving town and never looking back. I fought this kind of tyranny over 30 years ago and I don’t have the strength to do it again. I’d probably just end up breaking a hip.”

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Ariel Moore, the Reverand Moore’s daughter  was arrested for showing too much shoulder and her vulgar t-shirts.

We will keep you posted as this story unfolds. Local Lehi teens feel like we have taken one step forward and two steps back. No dance moves intended.

 

footloose-soundtrack

This is a track listing for the “Footloose” soundtrack.

Footloose
Performed by Kenny Loggins

Let’s Hear It for the Boy
Performed by Deniece Williams

Dancing in the Sheets
Performed by Shalamar

Never
Performed by Moving Pictures

I’m Free
Performed by Kenny Loggins

The Girl Gets Around
Performed by Sammy Hagar

Holding Out for a Hero
Performed by Bonnie Tyler

Somebody’s Eyes
Performed by Karla Bonoff

Bang Your Head (Metal Health)
Performed by Quiet Riot

Waiting for A Girl Like You
Performed by Foreigner

Hurts So Good
Performed by John Mellencamp (as John Cougar)

Almost Paradise
(Love Theme)
Performed by Mike Reno and Ann Wilson

Homeless Couple Found Living In Walmart Attic

Magna, Utah – Homeless Couple Found Living In Walmart Attic With Hot Plate, Meth Lab, And 42″ LED TV…

“I don’t mean to laugh, but these people really got one over on Walmart,” said Lieut. Marshall Weiss. “In the attic, we recovered 2 pounds of meth they had somehow produced on a hot plate. They also managed to get food, drinks, mini refrigerator, a big screen TV, surround sound system, bedroom set, hangers, clothes… I mean, if Walmart sells it they had it. These people were living good. They even managed to splice into the satellite TV wire and ordered NFL Sunday ticket!”…

The couple was discovered when employees in the break room heard banging from above. Apparently the couple was engaging in intercourse when the new headboard to their queen sized bed, which they also took from the store, was banging against one of the attic dividers….

During Thomas’s confession, he also admitted stealing K-Y Jelly Yours+Mine which he says “screwed up everything and got us busted.”

Horseback riders bust NASA filming Mars Rover footage in Moab, Utah

Moab, Utah- A group of horseback riders caught a film crew filming Mars Rover footage in the redrock area of the Utah desert. This area is covered in red sandstone and is the perfect place to fake such an event.

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People recently became skeptical of the NASA missions, after a large rodent was spotted on rover footage.

 

The conspiracy theory forums are going wild. Calling the rover missions “Fake” and most are saying “This is the moon landing all over again!”

The Brine Shrimp acquired several photos and videos from the horseback riders.

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NASA caught setting up shop.

 

Mars Rover Fake!!!

This photo was taken by one the horseback riders.

 

We will bring you more on this story as it develops.

Tupac live at The Salt Lake Tabernacle

That’s right, Tupac Shakur is back, and he’s ready to throw down in Utah’s most notorious venues, with the worlds most holy of choirs.

Tickets are just $25

Kids seats are still only 5 buuuuuuuuucks!!!!

The 128th ward relief society will be providing spaghetti and lemonade for the first 25 people!

Blessings will be offered by the local missionaries!

You won’t want to miss this one! We are about to resurrect some sick beats.

Check Out The Event Page!!! —-> Click Here

Mormon Church Urges Utah Gov. Limit Sales of Vaseline, Kleenex To Stop Masturbation

 

By Harry Peter Johnson

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has declared war against masturbation, which they conclude is seriously harming the lives of young people. And they have decided to go after supplies that potential masturbators might need.

Bob Whitbread, LDS spokesperson, said the church is going to urge Utah Gov. Gary Herbert to impose limits on the sale of Vaseline and Kleenex.

“If a young man is buying large supplies of these items, it’s evident he has fallen prey to masturbation,” Whitbread said.

“The sin of masturbation occurs when a person stimulates his or her own sex organs for the purpose of sexual arousal. It is a perversion of the body’s passions. When we pervert these passions and intentionally use them for selfish, immoral purposes, we become carnal,” according to the church’s website.

Mormon-dominated Utah is known as one of the most conservative states in the union. Herbert recently signed a resolution labelling pornography a “public health crisis.” However, Utah is known to have the highest consumption of pornography in the country, according to a study by Harvard professor Benjamin Edelman.

Breaking News: Stolen Angel Moroni Statue Recovered

Magna, Utah – The Angel Moroni statue stolen from the Salt Lake City LDS temple has been recovered.

The statue was removed from the Utah temple just before dusk last night. A heavily modified drone with laser cutting abilities was used to remove Moroni from the top of the building.

The golden angel was found in the garage of Magna resident Russell Jackson.

Jackson, 45, a local meth addict, has an extensive criminal record. Jackson’s criminal history includes “Theft, public lewdness, domestic violence and assault.” He also has a history of fighting with police officers.

He was arrested today at his Magna home. Jackson has been charged with grand theft, destruction of private property and criminal mischief. He also admitted to stealing items from a local Walmart located in West Valley City, Utah to commit the crime. Items included a drone, a plunger, wire, a laser pointer and miscellaneous tools. He now faces additional charges for shoplifting, modifying a cat toy laser pointing device and using a drone that has not been registered with the FAA.

The Brine Shrimp had a chance to do a brief interview with Jackson.

When we asked “What motivated you to take the statue?”Jackson replied “I needed money for meth, PBR, a mullet haircut and a good ol’ fashion Magna swing party!”

“The statue has some extensive damage but can be repaired.” Said, LDS Church Spokesman – Nephi Hyrum Smith

Jackson removed a good size chunk of the statue and whittled himself some golden teeth. Jackson planned on melting the statue down and making bikes for his small home-based business. Jackson’s business “Tricked Out Tweak Bikes'” Is quite popular with the local Magna meth community.

“I hope the Mormons will forgive me. Us, Tweakers are a lot like Mormons. We both like to ride bikes and go on missions.” Said, Jackson

He was booked into the Salt Lake County Jail and bail was set at 100,000,000 dollars.

Magna Juggalos have setup a go fund me page and plans on having a fundraiser with an ICP cover band to raise the bail money.

You can read the original story here