Utah to build a wall to keep out Californians

Salt Lake City, Utah- Gary Herbert just approved a bill that would prevent Californians from moving to Utah. He blames California for Utah’s public health crisis, AKA “Porn.”

The wall be constructed at Bangerter Highway blocking all Cali Migrants from making it any further into the valley. There will be check points and anyone from California will have to provide a guest Visa or passport. They will also be asked if they have any porn to declare at the checkpoint.

“There is one designated zone Californians are welcome to live. Daybreak, we can pack em’ in tight there. We’ll stack em’ so high, they’ll be able to see their home state from their balcony.” Said, Herbert.

Herbert, added. “We will not tolerate these folks bringing any kind of porn into our great state either.”

Gary Herbert plans on making California pay for the wall. Governor Jerry Brown says “We’re not going paying for it!”

Anthony Kiedis of The Red Hot Chili Peppers is already writing a crappy 22 song album about the ordeal Entitled: “Leaving California.”
“The entire band is excited to have some new material for songs about California.” Said, Flea- Kiedis’s bassplayer, long time band mate and friend.

Thomas S. Monson of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, Said. The Church has reached out to Governor Herbert and he has agreed to take in California refugees that are members of the LDS faith.

Protesters have already begun to go out and show their opposition to Gary’s wall. The largest one lead by Madonna. Every time she’s not feeling relevant, she crawls outta the woodwork for some publicity.
“Utah keeps on pushing my love over the borderline.” Says Madonna.

Rockstar Bono showed up drunk at the Utah homeless shelter, not even sure what the hell he was protesting. He did a free concert for Utah’s homeless and most of them left.
Rodney Dechamp said “Man, we’re homeless. Being out on the street is bad enough without Bono f**king up our day with his horrible music. He’s just adding insult to injury. He’s an obnoxious drunk, and a pretentious a**hole. He needs to take his punk a** back to where the leprechauns roam. He’s really pissing in me lucky charms.”

The U2 frontman just probably just needed a tax write off so he did a so called “free” concert. Oh, wait! Bono doesn’t pay taxes.

We will keep you posted on this story as it develops. Check back for updates.

Giant Tiger Muskie Eats Man At Pineview Reservoir

Huntsville, Utah- An unidentified man was attacked and swallowed whole by a giant Tiger Muskie. Witnesses claim that the man was on a shiny paddle board that may have acted like a lure.

“The fish just came up out of the water and hit it like a giant fishing lure.” Said, Brexit Tolman, a town local.

Pineview has boasted to having record breaking muskies. This fish definitely trumps them all! Pineview is offering a $20,000 reward to any angler that can reel in this monster fish.

“The lake will be closed to water sports other than fishing. We are really excited about the fishing contest” Said, Richard Dick Richards of the DWR.

We will bring you more on this story as it develops.

Bull Sharks Illegally Introduced To Pineview Reservoir

Pineview Reservoir,  Utah- If you like to swim at Pineview Reservoir, Tiger Muskies biting your toes are the least of your problems. Bull sharks were illegally introduced into the freshwater lake, and they are thriving!

Getty Images

Bull sharks are notorious for swimming out of the salty ocean and venturing out and venturing hundreds of miles up freshwater rivers. They can easily adapt to the change. With Pineviews unique ecosystem,  the sharks evolved, adapted and are at the top of food chain.

The bad news is… There have been recent shark attacks and  sharks are literally snapping Tiger Muskies in half.

Harry Manwood, a Bountiful man was one of the sharks latest victims.

“Swimming will be closed for the summer until we completely drain the reservoir and get rid of the sharks” Said, Red Peters of the DWR.

Anglers are allowed to catch as many as you want. But you must kill the invasive species.

Breaking News: Utah Bans Fireworks Statewide Due To Fire Danger

Salt Lake City, Utah- The State of Utah has decided to ban fireworks this year due to extreme fire danger. Several fires have been started acrossed the state. Governor Gary Herbert has pulled the plug on this year’s fireworks celebrations. All private displays are illegal and people will be cited or arrested. There will be no exceptions. Snakes, popits, tanks and sparklers will be considered a felony, just as much as ariels, firecrackers, cherry bombs, m-80s, bottle rockets and Roman candles. The 4th of July is officially cancelled.

“If you want to have fun, you will have to go to another state to do it. Just like everything else” Said, Herbert

 

Now hit the share button and punk your friends.

 

 

 

 

Utah lawmakers fear they are running out of things to make illegal

Salt Lake City, Utah- After the last state legislation session,  Utah fears they are running out of things to make illegal.  They continue to chisel away at alcohol, tobacco ,  marijuana, porn, sex, certain  positions, gambling, music, dancing, too much shoulder in yearbook photos and anything remotely fun. Eventually, there will be nothing left.

The state is currently working on a new tax called “Fun Tax.” Not to be confused with “Sin Tax.” Utah’s new strategy will be to tax anything that they can’t make illegal and give you a ticket, felony, misdemeanor  or minor infraction for.

Twitter

Gary Herbert in cooperation  will Utah lawmakers will eventually make all Utah laws align with the Mormon Word of wisdom.  The state will fully ban tobacco, coffee, tea, alcohol and all strong drinks. You will be required to use meat sparingly. All store purchases will be tracked by a unique identification number. Doesn’t matter if you’re using cash, credit or ebt. Using herbs use is highly encouraged, minus marijuana.

As Utah descends into the dark ages. Our state seems more and more like the town depicted in the 1980s movie ‘Footloose.’  Ironically, it was filmed in Utah.

“Come on down to Utah! We’re gonna party like it’s 1955!” Robin Williams

 

What will Utah make illegal next?

 

 

 

Life Discovered On The Moon, Mormons Dispatch Missionaries

Washington DC- Donald Trump announced on Friday that NASA has discovered intelligent life on the Moon.

 

Donald Trump has not been a traditional US president. Many have wondered if UFO disclosure was on the table.

Five species of aliens were discovered. The greys were the dominate species on the planet.

“A video of a grey alien interview will be released later on this week. I have personally talked to the aliens at Area 51. It’s a beautiful building. Other countries have these kind of facilities. But ours is the best.” Said President Trump.

The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints held a conference today on the topic. ”

“We will immediately be dispatching missionaries to the moon. We have already space craft that are ready to go. Elder Ezra Znog, a LDS alien convert will be overseeing  communications and translate the book of Mormon into the grey language. He will also be teaching other elders grey and how to communicate using mental telepathy.” Said, Church President Thomas S. Monson.

Future plans for a Mormon Moon Temple are already in the works. If the Church cannot successfully launch a temple into space, they will construct giant kelms  to melt down meteor rocks to construct the space temple.

We will bring you more on this story as it develops.

 

 

Mormons To Build LDS Temple On Mars

Mars- The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints just announced that they will be building an LDS temple on Mars. On Monday morning, the church plans on launching a super rover named “FAITH.” The super Droid was built at BYU’s robotics department.

Credit: Fisher-Price

 

 

“We named this robot ‘Faith’ because Faith will move mountains.” Said Zackaryzz Ezra Bangeter, a BYU professor.

As Elon Musk, Billionaire/PayPal founder advances to colonize Mars with his Space-X program, the Mormons  want to be ready.

Image Credit: www.williebacker.com

The Church with dispatch Mormon Missionaries as soon as the space pioneers have settled the red planet.

Utah Sound Guy Commits Suicide To Avoid Working A deadmau5 Concert

Moab, Utah- Stan Whipple, A Utah Sound engineer, drove his car off of a cliff Wednesday morning with his boss locked in the trunk.

 

The Moab Police were able to pull surveillance video from a bar that Harry owned and the found a conversation and the motive.

His boss informed him that deadmau5 was performing at a Red Rock music festival and Stan would be running sound for deadmau5 and his opening act Skrillex. Stan replied “You mean, ‘Shitfest 2017?’ 😜” Stan’s Boss, Harry D. Ickbeader. Told Stan that he was nuts and they are great artist. “Artist!? AYFKM!?” They press play on a laptop and jump around like idiots! Deadmau5 looks like Mickey Mouse’s ugly crackhead gothic brother and Skrillex looks like the love child of Trent Reznor and the charater Teddy Duchamp from the movie ‘Stand By Me!’ Their music sounds like R2D2 having sex with a malfunctioning speak and spell, while a car alarm is going off in the background, somewhere near a cat fight. My bowel movements make better music” Said, Stan.

Stan left a note that read. “I have lost all faith in the music industry. I will not run sound at ‘Sh*tfest 2017. Harry D. Ickbeader must be stopped! Good Bye, tone deaf world.

We will bring you more on this story as it develops.

 

Save The Jackalopes Of Antelope Island

The Story

Antelope Island, Utah- Our story begins back in the 1800s. In the middle of the Great Salt resides Antelope Island. Wildlife is everywhere! Antelope, birds, waterfowl, bison, bighorn sheep, wading birds, small mammals, reptiles, coyotes, bobcats, jackrabbits, pronghorn, mule deer and several species of rodents. Millions of migrating birds are visiting the island. Chukars, burrowing owls, lo-billed curlews, pelicans, cranes and several birds of prey are all enjoying there stay. All is well on Antelope Island.

David Irons Jr./Flickr

The Most Majestic Creature On The Island

One critter I didn’t bring up is the mighty jackalope. Billions of the horned rabbits  live and thrive on the island. A stud buck jackalope finds his doe mate and has a large family. A baby jackalope suckles on his  mom’s tit. His adolescent brother feeds on the lush green grass.  Jackalope herds run rampant on the island. The jackalope population is exploding.

A Jackalope Family

Mother Rabbit With Young

Fast forward to 1969 and the construction of the island causeway is complete. You can now drive to the island! Excited explorers drive their vehicles out to the island for hiking, camping and boating. And the stupid ones, fishing. Antelope Island is now in reach for the general public.  Good for people, bad for jackalopes.

 

The fall of the Jackalopes

 

A five point jackalope buck ventures out into the road. Little does he know that a Ford Falcon is heading straight for him at 60 Mph. Bam! The unexpecting jackalope is hit and killed by the car. One by one, the jackalopes are ran down and killed by vehicles.

Poor little guy didn’t even see it coming 🙁

Jackalope Hunting Is Closed

Mounted Buck Jackalope/Cabela’s

DWR is no longer selling jackalope permits. This special hunt will no longer take place, at least until the numbers re-populate.

This rare jackalope hybrid is extinct. His cousins are next! 🙁

Endangered Species

Seriously! How can you just sit there and do nothing!?
If you can scroll past this. You’re an a$$h0le!

Now it’s 2017 and the jackalope population has diminished and they are now on the endangered species list.

Sarah Mclachlan is here to help

Countless celebrities are doing there part. You should too! WWBD? What would Bono Do?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Credit/South Park

The Solution

Credit: Redbrand

“What we need is fence, and a lot of it. ” Said, Harry Manwood of the DWR.

Signs! Signs! Everywhere A Sign!

“Some jackalope crossing signs wouldn’t hurt either. ” Said, Harry Peter and Antelope Island toll booth worker

Let’s make The Antelope Island Jackalope Ranch a reality.  These animals need a a safe haven. Please, won’t you help?

Hit the share button to raise awareness. Do it for the baby jackalopes!

My Rescue Jackalope Therapy Animal

Did I save him or did he save me?

I hit this little fella with my car and nursed him back to health. He’s now my rescue animal.

Take Action

Hit the share button before it’s too late!

Save the Jackalopes of Antelope Island!

 

 

22 New Potential Sites For Utah Homeless Shelters

Salt Lake City,Utah- The people of SLC can’t seem to agree on a location to house the new homeless shelter. Surrounding cities don’t  want be a part of it. Town halls all over Utah have erupted in protest, bickering and fighting. Nobody seems to want to have a homeless shelter in their town. Local officials are fed up with trying to please everyone and are finally doing something about it.

“We are selecting the sites and we don’t want to hear anymore bickering or complaining about it.” Said, Tim Tolman of the Salt Lake City Council.”

The state has reached a crossroads and since nobody wants to lift the burden or take care of Utah’s homeless. The state has reached the point where they will select multiple  sites and just make it happen. They don’t really care who raises their voice in opposition, they are beyond that and just want to move forward.

22 new cities have been selected and it’s all possible through private funding, donations  and your tax dollars at work.

Here’s a list of potential sites.

1. Granite, Utah

Nick Bianco/flickr

With plenty of vacant land near snowbird, this is the perfect place to accommodate a shanty town. There is plenty of room for tents.

2. Summit Park, Utah

Chris Nichols/flickr

An anonymous wealthy local wants to donate a large chunk of property for Utah’s homeless.

3. South Snyderville Basin, Utah

TheFamilyGnome/flickr

Has plenty of open space and could potentially house hundreds of homeless. There could also be a soup kitchen in the works.

4. Olympus Cove, Utah

Garrett/flickr

Has plenty of potential properties and resources for a new center.

5. Alta, Utah

Rob Wynne/flickr

5 acres of land owned by the State of Utah might soon house Utah’s homeless.

6. Woodland Hills, Utah

Don LaVange/flickr

 

This city is on the map to accommodate Utah County’s homeless.

7. Highland, Utah

By Eric Ward from Provo, UT, USA, via Wikimedia Commons

This city has many prime spots that the state is looking at.

 

8. Fruit Heights, Utah

“Fruit Heights Utah City Hall” by Ntsimp

An old fruit Orchard and farm house may soon benefit Davis County’s homeless.

9. Little Cottonwood Creek Valley, Utah

Drew Card/flickr

A private donation might make this area a homeless Hotspot.

10. South Jordan,Utah

An old vacant building west of Bangeter Highway could soon be taking in West Valley’s homeless.

11. Farmington, Utah

denebola2025/flickr

A chunk of land owned by Utah would be a perfect solution for Davis County’s homeless. Locals fear that it will turn Farmington Station into Gateway, buts it’s probably going to happen anyways.

 

12. Alpine, Utah

Alpine City

 

A generous local is offering 10 acres of prime land for a homeless resource center.

 

13. Draper, Utah

Ken Lund/flickr

Has four locations on the east side that the state is looking at.

 

14. South Weber, Utah

South Weber/WikiCommons

A site is in the works for Weber County’s homeless

 

15. Bluffdale, Utah

Michael Kappel/flickr

An area West of the gravel pit might be a potential spot.

16. Holladay, Utah

Ken Lund/flickr

A Baptist Church offered a small site.

17. Sandy, Utah

LivingLandscapeArchitecture/flickr

A vacant Paradise Bakery could soon be a soup kitchen.

18. Stansbury Park, Utah

Stansbury Park/Facebook

Is looking like it with be the solution for Tooele County’s homeless.

19. Park City, Utah

Raffi Asdourian/flickr

The Park Meadows neighborhood soon may house a homeless resource center and low income housing.

20. Elk Ridge, Utah

Ken Lund/flickr

Don’t rule out this town. It’s a potential target for a resource center.

21. North Salt Lake, Utah

Bevan311/flickr

A chunk of vacant land near Eaglewood Golf Course could soon house Utah’s homeless. This privately owned land is the most likely candidate to house the shelter.

22. Bountiful, Utah

Maple Hills or Skyline Drive have two properties that are prime spots for a shelter.

 

What you think about these locations? (Comment Below)