Salt Lake City, Utah- After the last state legislation session, Utah fears they are running out of things to make illegal. They continue to chisel away at alcohol, tobacco , marijuana, porn, sex, certain positions, gambling, music, dancing, too much shoulder in yearbook photos and anything remotely fun. Eventually, there will be nothing left.
The state is currently working on a new tax called “Fun Tax.” Not to be confused with “Sin Tax.” Utah’s new strategy will be to tax anything that they can’t make illegal and give you a ticket, felony, misdemeanor or minor infraction for.
Gary Herbert in cooperation will Utah lawmakers will eventually make all Utah laws align with the Mormon Word of wisdom. The state will fully ban tobacco, coffee, tea, alcohol and all strong drinks. You will be required to use meat sparingly. All store purchases will be tracked by a unique identification number. Doesn’t matter if you’re using cash, credit or ebt. Using herbs use is highly encouraged, minus marijuana.
As Utah descends into the dark ages. Our state seems more and more like the town depicted in the 1980s movie ‘Footloose.’ Ironically, it was filmed in Utah.
“Come on down to Utah! We’re gonna party like it’s 1955!” Robin Williams
Washington DC- Donald Trump announced on Friday that NASA has discovered intelligent life on the Moon.
Donald Trump has not been a traditional US president. Many have wondered if UFO disclosure was on the table.
Five species of aliens were discovered. The greys were the dominate species on the planet.
“A video of a grey alien interview will be released later on this week. I have personally talked to the aliens at Area 51. It’s a beautiful building. Other countries have these kind of facilities. But ours is the best.” Said President Trump.
The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints held a conference today on the topic. ”
“We will immediately be dispatching missionaries to the moon. We have already space craft that are ready to go. Elder Ezra Znog, a LDS alien convert will be overseeing communications and translate the book of Mormon into the grey language. He will also be teaching other elders grey and how to communicate using mental telepathy.” Said, Church President Thomas S. Monson.
Future plans for a Mormon Moon Temple are already in the works. If the Church cannot successfully launch a temple into space, they will construct giant kelms to melt down meteor rocks to construct the space temple.
We will bring you more on this story as it develops.
Mars- The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints just announced that they will be building an LDS temple on Mars. On Monday morning, the church plans on launching a super rover named “FAITH.” The super Droid was built at BYU’s robotics department.
“We named this robot ‘Faith’ because Faith will move mountains.” Said Zackaryzz Ezra Bangeter, a BYU professor.
As Elon Musk, Billionaire/PayPal founder advances to colonize Mars with his Space-X program, the Mormons want to be ready.
The Church with dispatch Mormon Missionaries as soon as the space pioneers have settled the red planet.
Moab, Utah- Stan Whipple, A Utah Sound engineer, drove his car off of a cliff Wednesday morning with his boss locked in the trunk.
The Moab Police were able to pull surveillance video from a bar that Harry owned and the found a conversation and the motive.
His boss informed him that deadmau5 was performing at a Red Rock music festival and Stan would be running sound for deadmau5 and his opening act Skrillex. Stan replied “You mean, ‘Shitfest 2017?’ 😜” Stan’s Boss, Harry D. Ickbeader. Told Stan that he was nuts and they are great artist. “Artist!? AYFKM!?” They press play on a laptop and jump around like idiots! Deadmau5 looks like Mickey Mouse’s ugly crackhead gothic brother and Skrillex looks like the love child of Trent Reznor and the charater Teddy Duchamp from the movie ‘Stand By Me!’ Their music sounds like R2D2 having sex with a malfunctioning speak and spell, while a car alarm is going off in the background, somewhere near a cat fight. My bowel movements make better music” Said, Stan.
Stan left a note that read. “I have lost all faith in the music industry. I will not run sound at ‘Sh*tfest 2017. Harry D. Ickbeader must be stopped! Good Bye, tone deaf world.
We will bring you more on this story as it develops.
Antelope Island, Utah- Our story begins back in the 1800s. In the middle of the Great Salt resides Antelope Island. Wildlife is everywhere! Antelope, birds, waterfowl, bison, bighorn sheep, wading birds, small mammals, reptiles, coyotes, bobcats, jackrabbits, pronghorn, mule deer and several species of rodents. Millions of migrating birds are visiting the island. Chukars, burrowing owls, lo-billed curlews, pelicans, cranes and several birds of prey are all enjoying there stay. All is well on Antelope Island.
The Most Majestic Creature On The Island
One critter I didn’t bring up is the mighty jackalope. Billions of the horned rabbits live and thrive on the island. A stud buck jackalope finds his doe mate and has a large family. A baby jackalope suckles on his mom’s tit. His adolescent brother feeds on the lush green grass. Jackalope herds run rampant on the island. The jackalope population is exploding.
A Jackalope Family
Fast forward to 1969 and the construction of the island causeway is complete. You can now drive to the island! Excited explorers drive their vehicles out to the island for hiking, camping and boating. And the stupid ones, fishing. Antelope Island is now in reach for the general public. Good for people, bad for jackalopes.
The fall of the Jackalopes
A five point jackalope buck ventures out into the road. Little does he know that a Ford Falcon is heading straight for him at 60 Mph. Bam! The unexpecting jackalope is hit and killed by the car. One by one, the jackalopes are ran down and killed by vehicles.
Poor little guy didn’t even see it coming 🙁
Jackalope Hunting Is Closed
DWR is no longer selling jackalope permits. This special hunt will no longer take place, at least until the numbers re-populate.
Now it’s 2017 and the jackalope population has diminished and they are now on the endangered species list.
Sarah Mclachlan is here to help
Countless celebrities are doing there part. You should too! WWBD? What would Bono Do?
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
“What we need is fence, and a lot of it. ” Said, Harry Manwood of the DWR.
Signs! Signs! Everywhere A Sign!
“Some jackalope crossing signs wouldn’t hurt either. ” Said, Harry Peter and Antelope Island toll booth worker
Let’s make The Antelope Island Jackalope Ranch a reality. These animals need a a safe haven. Please, won’t you help?
Hit the share button to raise awareness. Do it for the baby jackalopes!
My Rescue Jackalope Therapy Animal
I hit this little fella with my car and nursed him back to health. He’s now my rescue animal.
Salt Lake City,Utah- The people of SLC can’t seem to agree on a location to house the new homeless shelter. Surrounding cities don’t want be a part of it. Town halls all over Utah have erupted in protest, bickering and fighting. Nobody seems to want to have a homeless shelter in their town. Local officials are fed up with trying to please everyone and are finally doing something about it.
“We are selecting the sites and we don’t want to hear anymore bickering or complaining about it.” Said, Tim Tolman of the Salt Lake City Council.”
The state has reached a crossroads and since nobody wants to lift the burden or take care of Utah’s homeless. The state has reached the point where they will select multiple sites and just make it happen. They don’t really care who raises their voice in opposition, they are beyond that and just want to move forward.
22 new cities have been selected and it’s all possible through private funding, donations and your tax dollars at work.
Here’s a list of potential sites.
1. Granite, Utah
With plenty of vacant land near snowbird, this is the perfect place to accommodate a shanty town. There is plenty of room for tents.
2. Summit Park, Utah
An anonymous wealthy local wants to donate a large chunk of property for Utah’s homeless.
3. South Snyderville Basin, Utah
Has plenty of open space and could potentially house hundreds of homeless. There could also be a soup kitchen in the works.
4. Olympus Cove, Utah
Has plenty of potential properties and resources for a new center.
5. Alta, Utah
5 acres of land owned by the State of Utah might soon house Utah’s homeless.
6. Woodland Hills, Utah
This city is on the map to accommodate Utah County’s homeless.
7. Highland, Utah
This city has many prime spots that the state is looking at.
8. Fruit Heights, Utah
An old fruit Orchard and farm house may soon benefit Davis County’s homeless.
9. Little Cottonwood Creek Valley, Utah
A private donation might make this area a homeless Hotspot.
10. South Jordan,Utah
An old vacant building west of Bangeter Highway could soon be taking in West Valley’s homeless.
11. Farmington, Utah
A chunk of land owned by Utah would be a perfect solution for Davis County’s homeless. Locals fear that it will turn Farmington Station into Gateway, buts it’s probably going to happen anyways.
12. Alpine, Utah
A generous local is offering 10 acres of prime land for a homeless resource center.
13. Draper, Utah
Has four locations on the east side that the state is looking at.
14. South Weber, Utah
A site is in the works for Weber County’s homeless
15. Bluffdale, Utah
An area West of the gravel pit might be a potential spot.
16. Holladay, Utah
A Baptist Church offered a small site.
17. Sandy, Utah
A vacant Paradise Bakery could soon be a soup kitchen.
18. Stansbury Park, Utah
Is looking like it with be the solution for Tooele County’s homeless.
19. Park City, Utah
The Park Meadows neighborhood soon may house a homeless resource center and low income housing.
20. Elk Ridge, Utah
Don’t rule out this town. It’s a potential target for a resource center.
21. North Salt Lake, Utah
A chunk of vacant land near Eaglewood Golf Course could soon house Utah’s homeless. This privately owned land is the most likely candidate to house the shelter.
22. Bountiful, Utah
Maple Hills or Skyline Drive have two properties that are prime spots for a shelter.
What you think about these locations? (Comment Below)
Not long after the kangaroos found their way to Utah. They were spotted around Echo Reservoir. Kangaroos are fond of fish, birds and have plenty of greens to eat. Hyrum Tolman of the Utah DWR thinks they will hang around the area for along time and start breeding.
When the kangaroos made their way to Coalville, that’s when the trouble started. Kangaroos happen to be very fond of beer. Problem is, they are billegerent drunks. Reports are pouring in of drunken Kangaroos breaking into houses, stealing food, beer, and whatever else they can get their paws on.
Jed Cummings, a Coalville resident said “I went outside today to go to work and noticed broken glass on the ground by my truck. The kangaroos stole a few CDS from my collection. They were pretty selective about what they took. Men at Work, Midnight Oil, AC-DC, Keith Urban, Olivia Newton John and Crowded House CDs. They only took CDs made by Australian bands. That’s when I knew it was the damn kangaroos!”
Emma Smith, of Echo said “They broke into my home and stole twinkies, beer and a BMX Bandits VHS tape. I guess they like shitty Nicole Kidman movies.”
Kangaroos have been known to box and fight. Unfortunately, adrunk kangaroo is 10 times worse. Here’s two kangaroos fighting in the streets of Coalville.
Kangaroos are also being struck by cars. Here’s a dashcam video of a kangaroo being struck by a car off of I-80 East.
Wyoming obiously made a big mistake releasing these kangaroos into to the wild. Day one and these kangaroos are causing nothing but trouble.
Do not approach the kangaroos, they are dangerous and love to fight.
We will bring you more on this story as it develops.
Salt Lake City, Utah – Just before sunset last night, a large drone removed the golden Angel Moroni from the top of the Salt Lake City Mormon Temple.
Witnesses claim that the drone used a green laser to cut and remove the statue from the top of the building. Some sort of suction cup was deployed and used to carry the heavy gold plated Moroni off into the sunset.
Apparently after the heist, the drone made a rapid descent and touched down near Magna, Utah.
Salt Lake City, Utah- A crazed baby on fermented breast milk, led Utah Highway Patrol, Bountiful, West Bountiful, Woods Cross, North Salt Lake and Salt Lake Police Departments on a slow speed chase today.
West Bountiful Police got a report of a billegerent baby urinating in the sand box at a West Bountiful Park. When they arrived on the scene. They found Brexton Tolman, a Bountiful baby, knocking back a bottle of fermented breast milk.
When the officers approached Brexton. He hunched over and spit up Gerber peas and carrots. When the officers asked him how much he drank. He replied, “Na-Na-Boo-Baby-Ga-Ga!” After refusing to take the breathalyzer test. Brexton jumped into his baby car and started pedaling. The two West Bountiful cops were too out of shape to keep up. So they chased the baby through multiple cities in their cruisers until he finally stopped to take a nap.
The chase ended in SLC, where Brexton was booked into the Salt Lake County Jail Time-Out block.
Kenzilynn Tolman, Brextons mom said “I had no idea that Brexton and his friends were stashing their old baby bottles and letting them ferment.”
“Playground Hooch is dangerous business and will not be tolerated.” Said SGT. Harry Manwood of the West Bountiful PD.
Governor Gary Herbert says “Baby’s and toddlers don’t get a free pass. The Lisa Steed Act or Lisa’s Law applies to them too. If you blow a .05, you’re going to jail. Baby, or not!”
Salt Lake City, Utah- Lisa Steed is a former Davis Country Utah Highway Patrol. She was the state’s top revenue making machine. She broke state records for DUI arrest. She was even awarded ‘Trooper Of The Year” for it. But Lisa had a dirty little secret. 99% of her DUI arrest were bogus.
Steed’s dark secret finally came to light. Video evidence was submitted and she was fired for wrongfully arresting Utah residents for a DUI, most of them weren’t even drinking. After unnecessarily destroying lives, tearing apart families and costing people their jobs. Steed was finished, and lawsuits were filed.
Steeds absence has been painful for the state. She was bringing in hundreds of thousands of dollars annually. Now they are paying out the victims in lawsuits and damages. The state of Utah was trying to figure out how to reinstate Lisa’s revenue stream, with her being absent. Steed tried to return to the Utah Highway Patrol, but a federal judge shut her hopes and dreams of returning down. Herbert’s office cooked up the perfect plan. The ultimate way to give a perfectly sober person a DUI. “Lisa’s Law” or “THE LISA STEED ACT” was modeled after her. The law drops the blood alcohol level from .08 to .05. Bam! Now all Utah cops have the powers that Lisa had. Think of her as an evil Sith Lord that brought corruption and darkness into police officers hearts.
The state is back in business! Arrest are being made left and right. Utahns are being busted for using mouthwash, sipping kombucha and even rubbing essential oils on their skin. School children are even being locked up for drinking semi-fermented juice boxes. The numbers are going up and the state is excited.