Utah issues first baby DUI

Salt Lake City, Utah- A crazed baby on fermented breast milk, led Utah Highway Patrol, Bountiful, West Bountiful, Woods Cross, North Salt Lake and Salt Lake Police Departments on a slow speed chase today.

West Bountiful Police got a report of a billegerent baby urinating in the sand box at a West Bountiful Park. When they arrived on the scene. They found Brexton Tolman, a Bountiful baby, knocking back a bottle of fermented breast milk.

When the officers approached Brexton. He hunched over and spit up Gerber peas and carrots. When the officers asked him how much he drank. He replied, “Na-Na-Boo-Baby-Ga-Ga!” After refusing to take the breathalyzer test. Brexton jumped into his baby car and started pedaling. The two West Bountiful cops were too out of shape to keep up. So they chased the baby through multiple cities in their cruisers until he finally stopped to take a nap.

The chase ended in SLC, where Brexton was booked into the Salt Lake County Jail Time-Out block.

Kenzilynn Tolman, Brextons mom said “I had no idea that Brexton and his friends were stashing their old baby bottles and letting them ferment.”


“Playground Hooch is dangerous business and will not be tolerated.” Said SGT. Harry Manwood of the West Bountiful PD.

Governor Gary Herbert says “Baby’s and toddlers don’t get a free pass. The Lisa Steed Act or Lisa’s Law applies to them too. If you blow a .05, you’re going to jail. Baby, or not!”

 

Utah Names New DUI Law After Former Utah Highway Patrol Officer ‘Lisa Steed.’

Dirty Steeds, Done Dirt Cheap!

In this photo from the Utah Highway Patrol’s 75th anniversary yearbook, Cpl. Lisa Steed stands with a shotgun.
Courtesy Utah Highway Patrol

Salt Lake City, Utah- Lisa Steed is a former Davis Country Utah Highway Patrol. She was the state’s top revenue making machine. She broke state records for DUI arrest. She was even awarded ‘Trooper Of The Year” for it.  But Lisa had a dirty little secret. 99% of her DUI arrest were bogus.

Credit: Deseret News

Steed’s  dark secret finally came to light. Video evidence was submitted and she was fired for wrongfully arresting Utah residents for a DUI, most of them weren’t even drinking. After unnecessarily destroying lives, tearing apart families and costing people their jobs. Steed was finished, and lawsuits were filed.

Steeds absence has been painful for the state. She was bringing in hundreds of thousands of dollars annually. Now they are paying out the victims in lawsuits and damages. The state of Utah was trying to figure out how to reinstate Lisa’s revenue stream, with her being absent. Steed tried to  return to the Utah Highway Patrol, but a federal judge shut her hopes and dreams of returning down. Herbert’s office cooked up the perfect plan. The ultimate way to give a perfectly sober person a DUI. “Lisa’s Law” or “THE LISA STEED ACT” was modeled after her. The law drops the blood alcohol level from .08 to .05. Bam! Now all Utah cops have the powers that Lisa had. Think of her as an evil Sith Lord that brought corruption and darkness into police officers hearts.

Credit: Fox 13 News

The state is back in business! Arrest are being made left and right. Utahns are being busted for using mouthwash, sipping kombucha and even rubbing essential oils on their skin. School children are even being locked up for drinking semi-fermented juice boxes. The numbers are going up and the state is excited.

Breaking News: Robbery At Bountiful, Utah Chase Bank

Bountiful, Utah- A Clearfield man entered Chase Bank on 500 South in Bountiful to cash a check for the amount of $50.01. He never expected to be robbed by the bank itself. The clerk made an angry face and said “We’re taking $8.00 to cash that check!” Eight bucks to cash a $50.00 check! We have to agree, that is robbery.

Apparently, this in not an isolated incident. The man has been robbed before by Key Bank, US Bank and even Zions Bank. This seems like a greedy trend by banks.

Fortunately, there’s a solution. It’s called a credit Union. Perhaps, America First or Mountain America Credit Union would be the wiser choice. They don’t pull this crap! Why do business with someone that screws you before you’re a customer?

Satire, sort of

 

 

Utah To Ban High Speed Internet And Revert To Dialup

Photo Source: Rick Bowmer/AP

Salt Lake City, Utah- Governor Gary Herbert just set forth legislation to ban all residential high speed internet in the state. Proposing only government agencies would have access to broadband, fiber, or other lightning fast services. Everyone else will have 56k dail up modems

This is Herbert’s new strategy to combat porn streaming in Utah. His latest attempts to ban it completely, have been unsuccessful.

“Theoretically, if we slow the flow of streaming media. People simply wont sit around and wait for a video load. Those frustrated dirty thrill seekers will simply have to find better things to occupy their time.” Said, Herbert !

Herbert deemed pornography a “Public Health Crisis” and tried to abolish it from the state. With many unsuccessful attempts to do so. He’s now resorting to other measures to slow the porn flow.
Utah has been showing promise as being the next Silicone Valley. This would be detrimental to Utah being the next tech hub. Adobe and other companies have already threatened to leave the state.


Let’s just hope Mr. Herbert doesn’t push us back to the dark ages of the interweb. We should brace ourselves for 20 seconds of buffer time to 2 seconds of video. Sorry, kids. No Call Of Duty for you!

Breaking News: Scientists bring back the UtahRaptor

Vernal, Utah- A group of Utah scientists have successfully cracked the genome of the UtahRaptor.

The UtahRaptor was originally discovered in a quicksand death trap in Utah.

These dinosaurs were 10 times the size of the all other raptors. Weighing in at one ton and standing twice the height of a human. Total length was approximately 25 feet long.

Baby raptors were successful grown in test tubes. Two raptors have already reached maturity, they will be released into a sanctuary in Dinosaurland. Rumor has it, Thanksgiving Point is interested in bidding on the dinosaurs and making an exhibit. Simular to something straight out of the movie Jurassic Park.

This story was leaked by an employee of DinoCorp. This person would like to remain anonymous. They will be sending us more photos, video and data soon.

Stay Tuned! We will keep you updated as this story unfolds.

 

 

Valentine’s Day: Special Report

(February 2017 — Salt Lake City, UT) If you’re looking for the sweetest spot to be on this day for lovers, you couldn’t find a better place than Mormon country. A University of Kansas study, released last week, rated Mormon men as the most potent in the country.

As part of a survey of several different ethnic groups, U Kansas researchers asked American men about their ancestry, progeny, and sexual habits. The researchers followed up the written survey with a physical inspection and detailed investigation into the sex lives of over seven hundred volunteers taken from four different ethnic groups.

Men who reported descent from at least two Mormon grandparents led the rankings in sexual activity, number of children fathered, and physical prowess, outranking Italian-Americans, Polish-Americans, and Southern Baptists.

Mormon leaders, when asked to comment on the study results, credited their success to healthy living and “following the counsel of the living prophets and honoring their priesthood.” They also noted their own longevity. Average age in the all-male Quorum of Twelve Apostles, the leading body of the Church, is 69, and nearly all the members are still active and strong.

That Mormon men are well-endowed comes as no surprise to Mormon leaders or members. In an interview last year, Mormon Church President Thomas S. Monson said that for the Mormon church size really does matter, and deviations from this are just “a blip here and a blip there.”

The university researchers, however, credit the study results to history and natural selection. “The practice of polygamy among the early Utah settlers for three and more generations,” said Dr. Ryan Bontoff, “led to heightened selection pressures on males. It’s a case of sexual dimorphism like with the peacock’s tail,” he explained. “Those males with bigger displays and more aggressive courting patterns ended up with more females, more mating opportunities, and more offspring, thus passing on their traits to the next generation.”

So are Mormon male leaders like Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, who had several dozen wives each, like the showy peacocks strutting their stuff? “The analogy that comes closer to my mind,” said Dr. Bontoff, “is probably something more like the bull elephant seal or the silverback gorilla.”

“Both [the elephant seal and the silverback gorilla] are very territorial and jealously guard their harems,” Dr. Bontoff added. “Though of course you can’t extrapolate from animal behavior to humans.”

The U Kansas study is a breakthrough in demonstrating such a rapid rate for human evolution. “Though fifty years [of polygamy] is a very small time span on the ecological time scale, it was already enough to show some effects,” Dr. Bontoff concluded.

If Dr. Bontoff and his colleagues are right, it is perhaps fortunate that Mormon polygamy ended when it did. Continuation of the practice for a few more generations might have led to a male membership of prodigious proportions.

“Breeding experiments among human beings is, obviously, prohibited by moral considerations,” notes Dr. Heidi Lindorff, co-author of the study. “So we don’t get many chances to study effects like this. But there is no mistaking it: the Mormon man is the proto-Uber-Mensch,” or super-man.

It is not known whether the mates of these super-men appreciate their good fortune. They do produce more children than average, and that fact now has a biological explanation in addition to a possible cultural one. “The Mormon men in the study were just more fecund,” said Dr. Lindorff. “When it came to impregnating females, they had a noticeably higher ‘hit’ rate.”

Researchers from the University of California -San Francisco Mobile Sperm Collection Unit noted similar results during a visit to Mormon-owned Brigham Young University last fall. “The samples we received were clearly among the best we had ever got,” said Dr. Howard Beinman, head of the Reproduction Research Laboratory, which is the home base of the Mobile Sperm Unit. “They’ve just got better juice.”

So do Mormon men make better lovers? “We would have to do a survey of their mates to find that out,” said Dr. Bontoff. “Of course, with a question like this you can’t rely on the opinions of the men themselves, and we wouldn’t want to come to any conclusions prematurely.”

Another upcoming study would focus on Mormon women from a different angle. “If we can already see selection pressure on Mormon men towards a ‘peacock’ response, we wonder if we might see a reciprocal pressure on Mormon women,” said Dr. Lindorff. “The peahen, as you know, is really a drab little bird. And that might explain some things.”

Of note in the U Kansas study is also what it did _not_ show. Neither the Catholic Polish-Americans, renowned for having large families, nor the Italian-Americans, famed as the lady-killing Don Juans of the world, showed such sexual prowess. Also interesting to note is that Southern Baptists showed no such harem tendencies which might offer Bill Clinton a biological scapegoat for his reputed sexual adventures.

The Utah Board of Tourism has just learned of the study, and is eager to make use of the results to tout Utah’s unique attractions. “Especially with the Olympics coming up” in 2002, said Don Wiley of the Tourism Board. “We think we could come up with a new slogan. ‘Land of Adventure’ and ‘Greatest Snow on Earth’ have had their day. We think we can come up with something new and exciting.”

Would he be willing to give us a hint?

“Well, how does this grab you: ‘Utah: Bigger than You Thought.’ ”

Credit: C. K. Woodworth

 

Lizard Person Doug Wright Hates Fake News

Salt Lake City, Utah- Today on the Doug Wright Show. Doug discussed the topic of “Fake News.” Being a lizard person from the planet Kolob. Doug knows that reformed Egyptian  code and secret knowledge can be deciphered from fake news sites, tabloids and satire pages. Using an old alchemist method, an urim and thummim can be used to crack the code. Hidden deep within these ancient scripts, is knowledge that can rid the earth of lizard people.

I have been working on cracking the code with a special magic rock. This was the first message I deciphered  “Be Sure To Drink Your Ovalteen.” Drinking this special drink with lift the veil and you can see the lizard people in their true form. This is dangerous for the lizard folk. They know we will not accept their plan heat up earths atmosphere using reptile voodoo magic. Like putting carrots in green jello to accelerate global warming. A special frysauce recipe will break their voodoo hex and will block all bad lizard ju ju from entering your body. We will keep you posted as this story unfolds. And help you prepare your for an attempted hostile, interdimensional alien takeover.

 

 

 

Police Calm Millennial Protesters By Handing Out Participation Trophies — The Brine Shrimp

U.S.—As anti-Trump rallies nationwide turned hostile overnight with widespread reports of violence, looting, vandalism, and death threats against the president-elect and his supporters, police in numerous major cities were able to instill calm and regain control by handing out participation trophies to all millennial protesters who were enraged about losing the election, sources confirmed. The…

via Police Calm Millennial Protesters By Handing Out Participation Trophies — The Babylon Bee