Salt Lake City, Utah- Major concert announcement! The Mormon Tabernacle Choir With special guest Kerry King Of Slayer at the Salt Lake Tabernacle!
August 30th, 2017. Get your tickets now at Smith Tixx or purchase at the door.
Tickets are $37.50 in advance. $40.00 the day of the show. Don’t miss this once and a lifetime event!
Salt Lake City, Utah- New legislation just passed making it illegal to deny that popcorn pops on apricot trees. Next spring when the apricot trees are in full bloom. You would be able to call the beautiful flowers “Blossoms” anymore. Well, at least in Utah. You will have to refered the white blossoms as “Popcorn.” Denying it’s popcorn could land you 30 days in jail and result in you paying a huge fine. It will be considered a Class A Misdemeanor to deviate from the teachings of the LDS primary song “Popcorn Popping On The Apricot Tree.”
A bit of history on the origin of this song. “Popcorn Popping On The Apricot Tree” is an old LDS primary song written by Georgia W. Bello in 1924 and was added to the Mormon Children’s Songbook.
Mr. Herbert takes these words seriously. So serious that he made denying it against the law.
“Popcorn does pop on the apricot trees, I’ve seen it with my own eyes and it’s ridiculous to say otherwise! This is the most important thing I’ve signed into law. This will be my legacy!” Said, Governor Herbert.
Salt Lake City, Utah- Gary Herbert just approved a bill that would prevent Californians from moving to Utah. He blames California for Utah’s public health crisis, AKA “Porn.”
The wall be constructed at Bangerter Highway blocking all Cali Migrants from making it any further into the valley. There will be check points and anyone from California will have to provide a guest Visa or passport. They will also be asked if they have any porn to declare at the checkpoint.
“There is one designated zone Californians are welcome to live. Daybreak, we can pack em’ in tight there. We’ll stack em’ so high, they’ll be able to see their home state from their balcony.” Said, Herbert.
Herbert, added. “We will not tolerate these folks bringing any kind of porn into our great state either.”
Gary Herbert plans on making California pay for the wall. Governor Jerry Brown says “We’re not going paying for it!”
Anthony Kiedis of The Red Hot Chili Peppers is already writing a crappy 22 song album about the ordeal Entitled: “Leaving California.”
“The entire band is excited to have some new material for songs about California.” Said, Flea- Kiedis’s bassplayer, long time band mate and friend.
Thomas S. Monson of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, Said. The Church has reached out to Governor Herbert and he has agreed to take in California refugees that are members of the LDS faith.
Protesters have already begun to go out and show their opposition to Gary’s wall. The largest one lead by Madonna. Every time she’s not feeling relevant, she crawls outta the woodwork for some publicity.
“Utah keeps on pushing my love over the borderline.” Says Madonna.
Rockstar Bono showed up drunk at the Utah homeless shelter, not even sure what the hell he was protesting. He did a free concert for Utah’s homeless and most of them left.
Rodney Dechamp said “Man, we’re homeless. Being out on the street is bad enough without Bono f**king up our day with his horrible music. He’s just adding insult to injury. He’s an obnoxious drunk, and a pretentious a**hole. He needs to take his punk a** back to where the leprechauns roam. He’s really pissing in me lucky charms.”
The U2 frontman just probably just needed a tax write off so he did a so called “free” concert. Oh, wait! Bono doesn’t pay taxes.
We will keep you posted on this story as it develops. Check back for updates.
Pineview Reservoir, Utah- If you like to swim at Pineview Reservoir, Tiger Muskies biting your toes are the least of your problems. Bull sharks were illegally introduced into the freshwater lake, and they are thriving!
Bull sharks are notorious for swimming out of the salty ocean and venturing out and venturing hundreds of miles up freshwater rivers. They can easily adapt to the change. With Pineviews unique ecosystem, the sharks evolved, adapted and are at the top of food chain.
The bad news is… There have been recent shark attacks and sharks are literally snapping Tiger Muskies in half.
Harry Manwood, a Bountiful man was one of the sharks latest victims.
“Swimming will be closed for the summer until we completely drain the reservoir and get rid of the sharks” Said, Red Peters of the DWR.
Anglers are allowed to catch as many as you want. But you must kill the invasive species.
Salt Lake City, Utah- The State of Utah has decided to ban fireworks this year due to extreme fire danger. Several fires have been started acrossed the state. Governor Gary Herbert has pulled the plug on this year’s fireworks celebrations. All private displays are illegal and people will be cited or arrested. There will be no exceptions. Snakes, popits, tanks and sparklers will be considered a felony, just as much as ariels, firecrackers, cherry bombs, m-80s, bottle rockets and Roman candles. The 4th of July is officially cancelled.
“If you want to have fun, you will have to go to another state to do it. Just like everything else” Said, Herbert
Salt Lake City, Utah- After the last state legislation session, Utah fears they are running out of things to make illegal. They continue to chisel away at alcohol, tobacco , marijuana, porn, sex, certain positions, gambling, music, dancing, too much shoulder in yearbook photos and anything remotely fun. Eventually, there will be nothing left.
The state is currently working on a new tax called “Fun Tax.” Not to be confused with “Sin Tax.” Utah’s new strategy will be to tax anything that they can’t make illegal and give you a ticket, felony, misdemeanor or minor infraction for.
Gary Herbert in cooperation will Utah lawmakers will eventually make all Utah laws align with the Mormon Word of wisdom. The state will fully ban tobacco, coffee, tea, alcohol and all strong drinks. You will be required to use meat sparingly. All store purchases will be tracked by a unique identification number. Doesn’t matter if you’re using cash, credit or ebt. Using herbs use is highly encouraged, minus marijuana.
As Utah descends into the dark ages. Our state seems more and more like the town depicted in the 1980s movie ‘Footloose.’ Ironically, it was filmed in Utah.
“Come on down to Utah! We’re gonna party like it’s 1955!” Robin Williams
Washington DC- Donald Trump announced on Friday that NASA has discovered intelligent life on the Moon.
Donald Trump has not been a traditional US president. Many have wondered if UFO disclosure was on the table.
Five species of aliens were discovered. The greys were the dominate species on the planet.
“A video of a grey alien interview will be released later on this week. I have personally talked to the aliens at Area 51. It’s a beautiful building. Other countries have these kind of facilities. But ours is the best.” Said President Trump.
The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints held a conference today on the topic. ”
“We will immediately be dispatching missionaries to the moon. We have already space craft that are ready to go. Elder Ezra Znog, a LDS alien convert will be overseeing communications and translate the book of Mormon into the grey language. He will also be teaching other elders grey and how to communicate using mental telepathy.” Said, Church President Thomas S. Monson.
Future plans for a Mormon Moon Temple are already in the works. If the Church cannot successfully launch a temple into space, they will construct giant kelms to melt down meteor rocks to construct the space temple.
We will bring you more on this story as it develops.
Mars- The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints just announced that they will be building an LDS temple on Mars. On Monday morning, the church plans on launching a super rover named “FAITH.” The super Droid was built at BYU’s robotics department.
“We named this robot ‘Faith’ because Faith will move mountains.” Said Zackaryzz Ezra Bangeter, a BYU professor.
As Elon Musk, Billionaire/PayPal founder advances to colonize Mars with his Space-X program, the Mormons want to be ready.
The Church with dispatch Mormon Missionaries as soon as the space pioneers have settled the red planet.
Moab, Utah- Stan Whipple, A Utah Sound engineer, drove his car off of a cliff Wednesday morning with his boss locked in the trunk.
The Moab Police were able to pull surveillance video from a bar that Harry owned and the found a conversation and the motive.
His boss informed him that deadmau5 was performing at a Red Rock music festival and Stan would be running sound for deadmau5 and his opening act Skrillex. Stan replied “You mean, ‘Shitfest 2017?’ 😜” Stan’s Boss, Harry D. Ickbeader. Told Stan that he was nuts and they are great artist. “Artist!? AYFKM!?” They press play on a laptop and jump around like idiots! Deadmau5 looks like Mickey Mouse’s ugly crackhead gothic brother and Skrillex looks like the love child of Trent Reznor and the charater Teddy Duchamp from the movie ‘Stand By Me!’ Their music sounds like R2D2 having sex with a malfunctioning speak and spell, while a car alarm is going off in the background, somewhere near a cat fight. My bowel movements make better music” Said, Stan.
Stan left a note that read. “I have lost all faith in the music industry. I will not run sound at ‘Sh*tfest 2017. Harry D. Ickbeader must be stopped! Good Bye, tone deaf world.
We will bring you more on this story as it develops.